Stuck on You

Bomb Rating: 

Before entering my screening of "Stuck On You" I was probed repeatedly by unibrowed security guards scanning for recording devices. While I realize that digital piracy is a concern for movies like "The Lord of the Rings," for "Stuck On You" it's the height of pretension. Anyone who pirates a movie this bad should be jailed for stupidity.

This Farrelly brothers film has everything a comedy should -- with the possible exception of funny moments. Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear play conjoined twins Bob and Walt, who do everything together: They own a burger joint, play hockey, star in plays and trade motivational speeches. They're close enough to make Ben Affleck leave J-Lo.

They abandon their movie version of a working-class hamlet (Martha's Vineyard) for the bright lights of L.A. so Walt can pursue an acting career. That's right, Hollywood has barfed up yet another Hollywood story, featuring the Walk of Fame, struggling actors, ubiquitous screenwriters, stars playing themselves in "aw shucks" cameos, and plastic surgery jokes, such as Cher. At this point, most of the audience whipped out cell phones and started checking showtimes in adjoining theaters.

The end of this movie wanders off into the weeds and gets so lost its poster should be on the side of a milk carton. I won't reveal the specifics (I can't make up stuff that boring), except to say that the one guy who did sneak past the guards with a digital recorder smashed it to bits against his own skull as the closing credits rolled.

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