Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

Bomb Rating: 

This film is just pure proof that there is no God and that Jesus Christ just doesn't care about humanity; he fucking hates us. I mean, I would say something like this if only one "Baby Geniuses" movie had been made, but in the name of all that is holy, I ask, how is it possible that a sequel got produced? It is simply not possible that there is a loving God who would allow this to happen. I guess it's possible, as long as I'm framing this in Judeo-Christian terms, that this movie is simply a product of Satan. It's just that I think Satan has better taste than this.

Watching "Superbabies" is like watching director Bob Clark take a giant crap on your face. I can't think of any metaphor more apt than that. I'm not really talking figuratively either. I'm asking all you readers to stop for a moment and picture looking up and seeing a giant asshole hovering over you, then imagine being shit on. And it's not like Bob just showed up at the studio and asked to be given a chance to direct his first movie and then massively screwed it up. No, he's done this before, many times. He's directed "Rhinestone," "Turk 182," "Loose Cannons" and "The Karate Dog." I mean, how many lives do you have to ruin before somebody says enough?

How do we know that Bob Clark is pure evil? He's paired Jon Voight and Scott Baio. You know, you just don't wake up one morning and say to yourself, "Hey, I'm going to put Scott Baio and Jon Voight in a film together!" That kind of evil takes years and years of planning.

This is a film that twists the muscles in your face into positions and expressions that are impossible to achieve under normal circumstances. It will induce a wave of post-traumatic stress disorders in infants who have been carted against their will into the theater and forced to watch the babies talk. Those evil bastards in special effects have got that fake mouth effect down to a science now and you can't tell anymore that it's an effect. Given the gullibility of people in our country these days, I can only imagine parents turning to their children and asking angrily, "Why couldn't you talk that well when you were 2?"

When the movie shifts to Berlin in 1962 (I kid you not), you have to wonder who exactly is out there in the world that's supposed to be interested, because most parents with two-year-olds were most likely born after 1970, so even they don't know what the significance is. Clark uses this setting to explain the origin of the Kahuna, a toddler with superpowers who thwarts the evil intentions of Bill Biscane (Jon Voight). Then we move to present day: Biscane has returned to threaten Stan Bobbins (Scott Baio), his kids and his daycare center. The Kahuna returns too because he doesn't age. He and the baby geniuses work to stop Biscane from transmitting some kind of subliminal mind control message across the airwaves.

Amid the general nightmarish aura the pervades even the most mundane moments in this film, it also includes certain scenes where you wish some government body would just storm the studio, grab Bob Clark and throw him in the ocean. The most astounding is when Kahuna takes the babies to his secret hideout, which looks like a rejected idea from Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride. The Kahuna opens the doors and there's enough shallow water to drown a couple hundred babies. Maybe Bob Clark is unaware that unattended infants and pools don't mix well. Then there are the scenes between the two teenagers, who have no place in the film at all. One is watching the kids. The other was adopted by the Kahuna. The moments between them are like watching a poodle screw a brick. I couldn't figure out why this movie needed sexual tension between underage teenagers given that I can't imagine any situation where people of that age would actually see this film, which means that Bob Clark must think that such things are entertaining to two-year-olds.

If there's a "Baby Geniuses 3" I will burn Hollywood to the ground.

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