S.W.A.T.

Bomb Rating: 

Gangs battle police as the movie shoots its way through plot holes bigger than Mark Cuban's mouth.

Never mind sagging boobs and cleft lips -- nothing has been done on "Extreme Makeover" that even begins to approach what "S.W.A.T." does for the Los Angeles Police Department. If the L.A.P.D. were a plastic surgery candidate, it would be strutting around like Michael Jackson before a trip to Rhinoplasty Island.

Forget what you've heard about the L.A.P.D. beating African-Americans with clubs because this is the trimmed down, toned up, and completely culturally and sexually sensitive L.A.P.D. in the form of an elite S.W.A.T. unit run by Sgt. Hondo (Samuel L. Jackson) and consisting of Jim Street (Colin Farrell), Chris Sanchez (Michelle Rodriguez), David "Deke" Kay (LL Cool J), T.J. McCabe (Josh Charles) and Boxer (Brian Van Holt).

The movie opens with Street and his partner, Brian Gamble (Jeremy Renner), getting into a heated, partner-ending confrontation. This means that when bad guy Alex (Oliver Martinez) offers anyone who's listening $100 million to break him out of police custody, the odds of Gamble being involved rank just above the odds of an impending Ben Affleck / J. Lo breakup over the failure of "Gigli."

After Alex makes his offer, all hell breaks loose on the streets of L.A. as well as on the pages of the script. Gangs battle police as the movie shoots its way through plot holes bigger than Mark Cuban's mouth. If only a few of those random bullets could have left the screen and shattered the theater's projector lens, I might have been spared the aggravated assault that "S.W.A.T." springs on the senses.

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