Swimfan

Bomb Rating: 

Don't screw the school slut or she'll boil your rabbit.

Apparently director John Polson and his screenwriters (whose names aren't worth mentioning) haven't gotten over being dumped by chicks in high school. Or perhaps they just hate women in general and that's why they've decided to make "Fatal Attraction" for teenagers and teach all the boys that vital lesson: Don't screw the school slut or she'll boil your rabbit.

Fortunately, Madison Bell (Erika Christensen) doesn't boil Ben Cronin's (Jesse Bradford) rabbit because he doesn't own one. What he does have is the perfect relationship with Amy (Shiri Appleby). Naturally, they're truly in love and are already making long-term plans as seniors in high school. Like the rest of us, Madison sees this going on and is immediately sickened. First, the lovey dovey antics of Ben and Amy in the school hallway look like an animated Hallmark card. Second, Ben is doing his best Freddie Prinze Jr. imitation. I'm assuming it's the second thing that makes Madison decide to ruin his life.

At only 17 years of age, Ben is the poster boy for drug rehab. He's "turned his life around" by overcoming drugs and criminal behavior and is looking forward to a swimming career at Stanford. Despite this promising future and the perfect girlfriend, Ben is whipping his dingy out faster than an ex-con in a whorehouse when Madison comes on to him. When she starts getting nutty and he tells her to get lost, she goes ballistic.

Surprisingly, "Swimfan" plays a wait-and-see game in terms of the director's ability to hold a stupid plot together. Everything finally comes apart toward the end when Madison steals Ben's car and runs Amy down on her moped (that's what you get for riding a moped). Ben is 20 minutes away in a hospital while this is all happening and when he calls his mother she tells him of Amy's tragedy and that the cops are looking for him. Here's an idea, Ben: Call the cops, tell them to come get you, and have them take statements from the hospital staff that you were there the whole time. Instead, Ben goes sneaking back to Amy's bedside thereby ruining his alibi (or so we're supposed to think). This is but one of the many reasons that "Swimfan" sinks like a stone.

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