Swordfish

Bomb Rating: 

Would a firm, round cantaloupe lie to you?

(Editor's Note: According to rumors denied by Halle Berry, it has been reported that she received an extra $500,000 to bare her breasts in this film. Because Mr. Cranky considers himself a paragon of journalism, both investigative and otherwise, he has obtained an exclusive interview with Ms. Berry's breasts in order to get the whole story.)

Mr. Cranky: What is this movie about?

Ms. Berry's Breasts (MBB): It's about us.

Mr. Cranky: No, really.

MBB: Do we look like we'd lie? Would a firm, round cantaloupe lie to you? No. So why do you think we'd lie?

Mr. Cranky: Well, the previews make it look like a "Matrix"-like computer-hacking, bank robbery film where John Travolta plays the bad guy and gets Hugh Jackman to hack into some computer system so he can steal a bunch of money.

MBB: It is. However, advance screenings indicated the plot was confusing and the audience wasn't identifying with the characters. They needed something they could grab onto -- visually, that is.

Mr. Cranky: Did you do any special preparation for the role?

MBB: Lots of lifting -- and separating.

Mr. Cranky: Was the scene difficult? Ms. Berry is reading a book that she lowers just before we first see you. Did you feel that was an adequate introduction?

MBB: It was kind of analogous to a curtain being raised. That Dominic Sena is a genius.

Mr. Cranky: You know, it occurs to me I didn't see you at the junket.

MBB: We just don't pop up any old place.

Mr. Cranky: How much screen time do you get?

MBB: A few seconds.

Mr. Cranky: So you made at least a hundred grand per second?

MBB: You want to make something of it, purple boy? We're worth it. We're bringing happiness to an entire nation. You can't put a price tag on that.

Mr. Cranky: That seems like a lot for a pair of breasts. People are starving in this country.

MBB: Starving to see us. (Nipple high-five)

Mr. Cranky: Given the liberal use of special effects in this film, are we to assume your shots were straightforward?

MBB: What are you trying to say?

Mr. Cranky: It's just that you seem a lot smaller in person.

MBB: F@#$ You!

Mr. Cranky: Calm down. It's that way with a lot of actors. They say the screen adds ten pounds.

MBB: Maybe if you're a fat lardass, which, you can see, we are not.

Mr. Cranky: What was it like working with Hugh Jackman?

MBB: He stared at us a lot. Copped a feel during a photo shoot. You know, he didn't just come right out and palm us, but we felt a finger underneath.

Halle Berry's Left Breast (HBLB): Wait a second. I didn't know anything about this.

Halle Berry's Right Breast (HBRB): That's right. Got a finger under there nice and good.

HBLB: You came on to him, didn't you? You bitch!

HBRB: Who are you callin' bitch? I know you're not callin' me bitch, you ho. The man just liked me better. I put the "mm" in symmetry.

HBLB: Ho? Let me tell you something, this "ho" took home more money than you.

HBRB: What do you mean?

Mr. Cranky: Excuse me?

MBB: SHUT UP!

HBLB: I negotiated a separate agreement. You'll be hearing from my agent.

Mr. Cranky: You have your own agent?

HBRB: I can't believe it. You betrayed me. (sniffles)

HBLB: Are you lactating? You are such a wimp.

Halle Berry's Nipples (HBN): Pardon us.

MBB: What do you want?

HBN: More exposure and equal representation.

MBB: Oh, lookee here. Strike it rich and everybody wants to put the squeeze on you.

HBN: We do our share.

MBB: You are strictly a small piece of this puzzle. Let me give you a tip: Mind your own business.

HBN: You, give us a tip? That's rich. Cough up our share or else.

MBB: Or else what?

HBN: We went and got our SAG card yesterday. They're behind us 100%. We'll sue.

Halle Berry's Right Nipple (HBRN): You contacted the Screen Actors' Guild?

Halle Berry's Left Nipple (HBLN): I did it for us.

HBRN: I'm not ready for SAG.

HBRB: Hey, you can't join SAG without us. We won't be dragged down with you.

HBLN (to HBRB): Well, if you had been more supportive, we wouldn't need it. (to HBLN) I knew you'd give me a hard time about it. It's for the best. Eventually we were going to have to join.

HBRN: I just wish that for once you'd ask me before you went out and made a decision like that. We don't talk anymore.

Mr. Cranky: Excuse me again.

MBB: WHAT?

Mr. Cranky: Any chance you all will be working again together soon?

MBB: Only if somebody pays us a shitload more than they did on "Swordfish". We're big stars now.

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