Tarzan

Bomb Rating: 

Jane not only has that seductive British accent, but those traditional Disney 36-12-24 measurements kick some serious chimp ass.

Tarzan (voice of Tony Goldwyn) ends up in the arms of Kala (Glenn Close) after his parents are mauled by a jungle feline, or, as one might say in Disneyspeak: "The movie gets going right after the Lion King murders Tarzan's mommy and daddy." Remember, kids: one minute it's a cute talking animal, the next, it's clutching your mother's spleen between its razor-like fangs.

Tarzan grows up amongst the apes, but is not accepted by their leader, Kerchak (Lance Henriksen). Thus Tarzan spends much of his time trying to prove himself worthy. He pretty much blows that chance when Jane (Minnie Driver) shows up with her dad (Nigel Hawthorne) and Clayton (Brian Blessed). After learning English in a couple of seconds, Tarzan is promptly duped by Clayton into revealing the whereabouts of the gorillas.

The holes in this film are as big as the hole that should be in Tarzan's loincloth the second he sees Jane. Let's face it, Tarzan should be sporting wood through the entire film. Jane not only has that seductive British accent, but those traditional Disney 36-12-24 measurements kick some serious chimp ass. And speaking of chimps, where in the holy hell is Cheetah? Instead we have this growth-stunted ape with the hair of Don King and the voice of Rosie O'Donnell. That's not Tarzan, man, that's Troll dolls on acid.

Furthermore, Disney's theory -- that packs of wild animals trample campsites purely as a backdrop for orchestral crescendos -- is entirely suspect. Disney goes the pop route by employing Phil Collins to do all the songs, reminding those of us who unloaded all our Genesis albums in 1989 exactly why we did so.

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