Responses to this message:
>>> STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT >>> >>> By Rod Hilton >>> >>> >>> >>> FADE IN: >>> >>> INT. SPACESHIP >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> It is vitally important we enter trade >>> negotiations with the federation. >>> >>> EWAN MCGREGOR >>> I agree. This one planet and how it >>> trades with other planets is certainly >>> an important enough topic to be the >>> entire plot of a Star Wars film. >>> >>> INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK >>> >>> EVIL ALIEN >>> Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, >>> obviousry Asian race must prevair. I >>> wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid. >>> >>> INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI >>> >>> A droid enters. >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> I sense a disturbance in the force. >>> >>> EWAN MCGREGOR >>> Well, shit. >>> >>> Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin >>> attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration >>> of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to >>> destroy the CGI. They run outside. >>> >>> EXT. NABOO >>> >>> They run until they smack into some more CGI. >>> >>> JAR JAR >>> Who might you be? >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> (staring in the general >>> direction of Jar Jar, but >>> not really staring at him) >>> I am a Jedi. There are bad things >>> coming. Take me to your homeland. >>> >>> JAR JAR >>> I see. That is quite interesting. I >>> will guide you to the land from which >>> I have come. >>> >>> Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't >>> selling well enough. >>> >>> JAR JAR (cont*d) >>> Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to >>> saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica >>> mon, okeyday? >>> >>> EWAN MCGREGOR >>> (staring at something right >>> above Jar Jar) >>> Good. Do you have a hotel room for me >>> and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business >>> to attend to. >>> >>> JAR JAR >>> Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon. >>> >>> AUDIENCE >>> Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you. >>> >>> INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK >>> >>> The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears >>> to be better in technology than the kinds of things in >>> the original trilogy. >>> >>> NATALIE PORTMAN >>> I am the queen. You've gone too far >>> this time. I will tell the senate and >>> you will be in a lot of trouble. >>> >>> EVIL ALIEN >>> I'm so sorry, Amidala. >>> >>> NATALIE PORTMAN >>> No, no, I'm Padme now. >>> >>> EVIL ALIEN >>> I thought when in the makeup, you were >>> the queen. >>> >>> NATALIE PORTMAN >>> No, I'm whoever is playing the queen >>> at the time. The voice changes don't >>> help you figure this out. >>> >>> EVIL ALIEN >>> Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, >>> capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. >>> just capture everyone! >>> >>> LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN >>> and other members of her staff onto a ship and they >>> escape. They go to Tatooine. >>> >>> INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE >>> >>> JAKE LLOYD >>> Hi, there! Golly, I'm cute. >>> >>> NATALIE PORTMAN >>> You certainly are, little boy. >>> >>> JAKE LLOYD >>> I'm the only one disturbed by the fact >>> that I'm gonna bone you in episode >>> two? >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> Jake, I need you to have a pod race so >>> I can get the parts I need and free >>> you. >>> >>> JAKE'S MOM >>> No, I won't allow him to pod race. >>> He'll get hurt. >>> (pause) >>> Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck. >>> >>> They pod race. It looks really COOL. >>> >>> GEORGE LUCAS >>> (attempting subtlety) >>> Oh! Look! There's a video game of >>> this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had >>> to sacrifice a part of my grand vision >>> for these movies to include a part >>> that could be turned into a game, so >>> buy it or I'll do it even more in >>> episode 2. >>> >>> JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become >>> very important in the next movie. He also has to leave >>> his protocol droid, C-3PO. >>> >>> AUDIENCE >>> He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever >>> mentioned in the original trilogy? >>> >>> GEORGE LUCAS >>> Because I just made it up. Speaking >>> of stuff I'm just making up, how do >>> you like the midichlorian bullshit I >>> pulled out of my ass? >>> >>> They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant. >>> >>> INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> I want to train this boy. >>> >>> YODA >>> Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. >>> Clouded his future seems. Vague my >>> worries are. >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> Well, he is the chosen one. He will >>> bring balance to the force. I'm >>> training him. >>> >>> SAMUEL L. JACKSON >>> Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What >>> the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? >>> I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a >>> fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin >>> movies, you know. My toy has a >>> fuckin lightsaber. >>> >>> LIAM NEESON >>> I'm going to go over your head and >>> train him myself, then. So there. >>> >>> He exits. >>> >>> INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING >>> >>> IAN MCDIARMID >>> Damn, I'm evil. >>> >>> Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- >>> CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER. >>> >>> EXT. NABOO >>> >>> NATALIE PORTMAN >>> I am either the queen or Padme now. >>> Regardless, your cheesy-looking race >>> of annoying, unrealistic characters >>> need to ally with our badly acting >>> race of creatures so we can capture >>> this one guy. >>> >>> BOSS NASS >>> One guy? The climax of this film >>> revolves entirely around us capturing >>> one, pretty insignificant guy? >>> Doesn't that make this whole thing >>> kinda pointless? >>> >>> NATALIE PORTMAN >>> No more pointless than the fact that >>> this entire film revolves around taxes >>> on trade and the cutting off of one, >>> pathetic little planet half-filled >>> with annoying creatures. >>> >>> They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares? >>> >>> Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight >>> sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a >>> black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black >>> face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. >>> >>> Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one >>> insignificant guy and we really don't care. >>> >>> Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and >>> we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. >>> >>> Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- >>> battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We >>> care a little bit. >>> >>> INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS >>> >>> MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle >>> which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography >>> and is thousands of times better than any other >>> lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film. >>> >>> AUDIENCE >>> Whoa! This is really cool! >>> >>> Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid >>> battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to >>> the good one. >>> >>> DARTH MAUL >>> (menacing as hell) >>> Grrr. >>> >>> Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, >>> especially to those of us who bought the film score which >>> has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then >>> kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on >>> the side and holds on for dear life. >>> >>> EWAN MCGREGOR >>> Well, you certainly are an experienced >>> fighter and there is little question >>> you could kick pretty much anyone's >>> ass. >>> >>> DARTH MAUL (cont*d) >>> Muahahahaha. >>> >>> Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, >>> jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button >>> on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands >>> there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies. >>> >>> EXT. SPACE >>> >>> JAKE LLOYD >>> Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is >>> pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm >>> so cute. >>> >>> JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the >>> ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT. >>> >>> JAKE LLOYD (cont*d) >>> Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave >>> Artoo! >>> >>> They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all >>> the droids and just makes everything great, because it's >>> always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with >>> a slapstick accident. >>> >>> EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO >>> >>> The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge >>> party ensues. >>> >>> AUDIENCE >>> Wow! Watching this party and all this >>> celebration has convinced me that the >>> tiny, pathetic problem that has been >>> taken care of is actually really >>> significant! Hooray! >>> >>> Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the >>> mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what >>> actually happened was the future-emperor has actually >>> manipulated everything, come into great power, and that >>> one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but >>> thousands more have been created. >>> >>> GEORGE LUCAS >>> Three years, suckers. I'd make them >>> come out sooner, but I work very hard >>> on my films, as I am an independent >>> filmmaker due to my disgust with >>> Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy >>> some Star Wars toys! >>> >>> END >>>
Responses to this message:
Post a response to this discussion thread