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Incidentally, this is Mr. Cranky's review of "Tarzan" in Gunga-ese:
Tarzan (voice of Sepulba Goldwyn) ends up in the arms of Kala (Glenn Close) aft-a his parents maula by jungle feline, or, as one might say in Disneyspeak: "The movie gets go right aft-a the Lion King murd-as Tarzan's mommy an' daddy." Rememb-a, Jawas: one minute it's cute talk'in animal, the next, it's clutch'in your moth-a's spleen between its razorlike fangs.
Tarzan grows up amongst the apes, but no accepta by their lead-a, Kerchak (Lance Henriksen). Thus Tarzan spends much of his time try'in to prove himself worthy. He pretty much blows that chance when Jane (Minnie Driv-a) shows up with her dad (Nigel Hawthorne) an' Clayton (Brian Blessa). Aft-a learn'in English in couple of seconds, Tarzan promptly duped by Clayton into reveal'in the whereabouts of the gorillas.
The holes in this film as maxi-big as the hole that should be in Tarzan's loincloth the second he sees Jane. Let's face it, Tarzan should be sport'in wood through the entire film. Jane not only has that seductive Imperial accent, but those traditional Disney 36-12-24 measurements kick some serious chimp ass. an' speak'in of chimps, where in the holy hell Cheetah? Instead wee-sa have this growth-stunta ape with the hair of Don King an' the voice of Rosie O'Donnell. That's not Tarzan, man, that's Troll dolls on acid.
Furthermore, Disney's theory -- that packs of wild animals trample campsites purely as backdrop for orchestral crescendos -- entirely suspect. Disney goes the pop route by employ'in Phil Collins to do all the songs, remind'in those of us who unloada all our Genesis albums in 1989 exactly why wee-sa do so.
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