If you are alone. If you are bored. If you have already seen every other movie that has ever been released. Then maybe you can go watch. The A-Team.
No. Disregard what you just read. Even phenomenal cinematic literacy is no excuse for plopping down two week’s allowance to get a ticket for The A-Team. Here’s why.
Remember when you were a kid and there was this T.V. show where a big dude with a mohawk would throw someone over the roof of a car EVERY SINGLE EPISODE? Well, director Joe Carnahan also happened to catch that particular program in the 80’s, and decided that its stunning combination of stock ex-military characters (cigar smoking officer dude, permed ladies man, clinically insane pilot, elegant French nurse) with stock television drama plots (someone gets kidnapped, someone drives a van through a wall, everyone has a laugh that freezes just before the credits are rolled) would be perfect to rehash as a big-screen epic.
Of course, not every plan always comes together, and when it comes to The A-Team there are a million reasons as to why the nostalgic magic just didn’t translate to a modern audience. More specifically, there are, um, five reasons:
The lack of Mr. T. I don’t care what project you are talking about – Titanic, Attack of the Clones, Rocky I, II, IV, V and Balboa – it’s hard to argue that there is a single film out there that couldn’t have been made that much more awesome with the addition of Mr. T. Flash forward to 2010 and they’ve ELIMINATED Mr. T. from the very franchise that made him famous. MR. T. IS STILL ALIVE PEOPLE! There was absolutely no excuse for using Quinton ‘Mr. T. Lite’ Jackson in his place, unless it was one of the terms of his sentencing after driving his monster truck into that pregnant lady’s car. Man.
Liam Neeson is Welsh. Or Scottish. Or Irish. But he’s definitely not American, and his turn as Hannibal saw him fighting his accent far more often than any on-screen villains. In between cigar chomps I couldn’t help but feel that he was about to break out a copy of ‘The Wind in the Willows’ and read everyone a bed time story.
The plot made no sense. Normally, that isn’t much of an issue when it comes to action movies, but The A-Team’s was so inane that it bears special mentioning. Basically someone stole some plates from 1979 that allow them to print out perfect $100 bills. Umm….that are dated 1979…wow, there’s no way they would ever get caught doing that, is there? Better send in the A-Team!
The van was on screen for TEN FUCKING SECONDS! WTF!?!
Oh, and they fly a tank. Through the air. Using its gun. Enough said.
I really wanted to like The A-Team. But then again, I also really wanted to like my co-workers at my last job, a fact that was made impossible due to my extreme social dysfunction and my inability to wear pants for more than three hours at a time. The world is a very judgmental place, and if there is one thing that proximity to other humans has taught me, it’s that I don’t belong.
Oh, and that The A-Team sucks.
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