The Terminator

Bomb Rating: 

If director James Cameron had any sense of what makes a credible villain, he would have had the Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) drop out of the sky and immediately head to the Los Angeles Zoo to kill baby seals and eat the eyeballs of polar bear cubs.

Instead, the Terminator moons L.A. in the middle of the night, then rids the city of three worthless punks. Next, he kills a housewife (like we need more housewives), then kills Sarah Connor's (Linda Hamilton) roommate. Sarah's roommate can't stop listening to bad '80s techno music while wearing her walkman -- she eats with the walkman on; she has sex with the walkman on. When the film was initially released, her death at the hands of the Terminator sparked cheers, hugs and tears of catharsis among audience members worldwide. Later in the film, the demolition of an entire L.A.P.D. precinct adds icing to an already large cake.

What the hell is up with the future anyway? Sounds a lot like the present if you ask me. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) says of the Terminator, "It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity or fear." Good god, that sounds like Pat Buchanan. Or Kathie Lee. Later he describes time travel as "white light, pain." Isn't that what happens during induction into the Church of Scientology?

And where exactly was Arnold planning on going after he offed Sarah? Disneyland? If catching a glimpse of the Terminator on the "It's a Small World" ride isn't a sure tip-off to impending apocalypse, I don't know what is.

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