The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Bomb Rating: 

When a malnourished fat guy with a skin disease and a chainsaw comes stumbling after me, I run away. Am I the only one for whom this is common sense? Fat guy + skin disease + any power tool = BAD!

I don't care what kind of testosterone-induced acceleration he has either. He's been munching on rotten pig carcasses and drinking mud water while I've been eating Cliff Bars and sucking down smoothies. I'm totally confident that his last image of me will be my well-toned buttocks disappearing over the horizon.

Sadly, not only are Erin (Jessica Biehl) and her friends not in shape, some of them have been getting high, making them easy targets for the inbred freaks that populate many small Texas towns (particularly Crawford). So when they pick up a hitchhiker and pull over at the only gas station in town, it's just a matter of time before Leatherface gets them.

Despite his background role as producer on this film, Michael Bay's stink is all over it. To cover up anachronisms like the modern fashions and the "Shit Happens" bumper sticker, the filmmakers give this remake a grayish color that supposedly lends it a '70s look. There's also a thrilling pull back shot where the camera passes through a wound in somebody's head.

The essence of any Michael Bay project is the worship of the coolness factor, and not even mass murder stands in his way.

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