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Not one of my better efforts, but I only had about 10 minutes to write it after I saw the movie! Thank-you, idiotic projectionist from the first screening and New Line Cinemas.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: 5/10
Stars: Jessica Biel, R. Lee Ermey, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel, Eric Balfour, Andrew Bryniarski, David Dorfman, Lauren German, John Larroquette
WARNING: This review is only for people who have seen the 1974 version of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," or haven't seen it and don't care if I spoil a few things. My review for those who haven't seen the original but want to read a non- spoiler review is this: Watch the original, one of the most frightening and disturbing movies ever made.
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake fails almost exclusively because it is a remake. Although director Marcus Nispel manages to recapture much of the feeling of dread from Tobe Hopper's original horror masterpiece (it helps that he hired the first movie's cinematographer Daniel Pearl, as well as the narrator, John Larroquette), there are two significant reasons why it still doesn't quite work: Jessica Biel and Jessica Biel.
This hasn't nothing to do with Ms. Biel's acting abilities. Marilyn Burns from the original wasn't exactly Oscar caliber material either -- Biel's actually better, in fact. That Burns was a complete nobody is what helped that flick's mysterious element. The first time you watched it (assuming no one had spoiled it for you), you had no idea who was going to live and who was going to die -- it wasn't completely impossible, in fact, that no one would survive. But by putting the well-known Biel in the 2003 version and surrounding her with a bunch of nobodies -- gee, do you think there's a good possibility she might be the last one standing? Do you think there's the possibility she might get out alive?
Well, I won't give away the "new" ending or anything, but let's just say I wasn't very concerned for her fate at any point during my screening of the movie.
The best scene from the first movie was Burns' harrowing flee through the woods while Leatherface (the deformed nut with the chainsaw, played by Andrew Bryniarski) chased her. It just goes on and on and on and you keep thinking every misstep is going to be her last. The new movie has a similar scene with Biel, except Nispel manages to kill the intensity by having her take a break every few seconds by scrambling through a house or across a car or into a meat- packing plant. Which makes it just as much of a cliché as all the other horror movies that have ripped off "TCM" since its release.
On the plus side, the new movie does have one of the best scenes of the year. I can't even begin to tell you what happens for fear of spoiling it, but it happens shortly after our new bunch of van-riding teens (Biel included) picks up a crazy female hitchhiker (Lauren German) on the way back from Mexico. I have never seen anything like this before in my life and it's practically worth the price of admission alone. I'm still trying to figure out how they accomplished this disturbing sick shot (literally). Borderline grotesque brilliance.
After that thing happens, our five friends aren't so right in the heads anymore and they stop off in the wrong town to ask the wrong sheriff (R. Lee Ermey of "Full Metal Jacket" going WAY over the top) for help. Everything after that, including a weird little kid (David Dorfman of "The Ring," who needs to get out of this typecast in a hurry), leads to the infamous house on the hill where Leatherface and his kooky family hang out. But the sick cannibalistic family in the first film was definitely a lot kookier. More importantly, the first film overall was just plain more realistic, sicker and scarier than this slick-looking Michael Bay-produced wannabe. There's not even a "family meal" or a chainsaw symphony at the end -- this conclusion is just all Hollywood. The new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is somewhat entertaining, but just barely enough to pass. Frankly, Bay and Nispel would have done best to leave well enough alone.
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