I wonder how many actors realize that when they appear in alive-action Disney film for kids, it's Hollywood's signal to the rest of the world that their career has gone down the toilet? Among the actors so cruelly mocked in "That Darn Cat" are Bess Armstrong (far removed from the glory days of "Jaws 3D"), Dyan Cannon, "Cheers'" John Ratzenberger, Estelle ("Bonnie and Clyde") Parsons and Tom ("Back to the Future") Wilson.

Sixteen-year-old actress Christina Ricci should probably have been relegated to fast food commercials after "Casper," but here she is again in an equally intolerable movie. Her cat, D.C., discovers the whereabouts of a kidnapped woman, prompting the FBI to send one of its lesser agents, Zeke Kelso (Doug E. Doug), to investigate.

Despite the fact that it's a kids' film, "That Darn Cat" demonstrates as much ability to hold a child's attention as an episode of "Masterpiece Theater." Parents desperate for a momentary respite from the enduring hell of parenthood would have better luck stilling junior by spiking his 128-ounce Coke with diuretics.

I sat in the teeming day-care center that doubled as a theater for a full hour before I realized that D.C. stood not for "ditch the children," but for "darn cat." At that point, I was struck immobile with paralyzing horror at the realization of what my life had become. Thankfully, the film was cut short when my resultant agonized scream flushed the panicky tykes around me into a stampede for the exits.