Thinner

Bomb Rating: 

The only real lesson in this film is "stay away from gypsies". Apparently, gypsies are really vindictive and if you piss them off they'll put a hex on you and screw you good.

This is another one of those make-up movies where, not five seconds into the film, everybody is taking that long, deep breath and thinking to themselves, "Okay, I'm supposed to believe this thin actor is really fat." Of course, a lot of us are also taking that long breath before we even step into the theater thinking, "Jesus, not another Stephen King movie."

If the filmmakers behind "Thinner" really wanted to do something fun, they would have taken Louie Anderson and done that Forrest Gump shit on him to turn him into a thin guy. They cut off Gary Sinise's legs; I bet they could have cut off Louie's big fat gut. That would have at least prompted some audience interest in the form of searching the screen for special effects lines.

The only real lesson in this film is "stay away from gypsies." Apparently, gypsies are really vindictive and if you piss them off they'll put a hex on you and screw you good. This is exactly what they do to lawyer Billy Halleck (Robert John Burke) after he runs one of them over with his car because he's being distracted by a blow job from his wife. I say damn the gypsies -- lawyers got to have their fun.

After he's cursed, Billy starts losing a lot of weight, establishing that Robert John Burke is no better as a thin actor than as a fat one. To solve his problem, Billy hires his Italian mob buddy, Richie (Joe Mantegna) to shoot the gypsies. Surprisingly, this works. It's a victory for lawyers, Italian mobsters and the guiltless blow job. And Republicans claim Hollywood is controlled by a liberal elite. Here's their chance to cheer like school kids.

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