The Thirteenth Warrior

Bomb Rating: 

The film is a cross between "Dances with Wolves," "Braveheart" and two hours of television static.

Antonio Banderas plays a little Arab with a little horse who ends up in the land of the Norse. He is picked to team up with a bunch of large, hairy Norse guys in a battle against a foe that eats the dead. Banderas says his character's name a couple of times (in a Spanish accent), but if I tried to repeat it here I'd be forced to end the review quickly due to lack of space.

From what I know, this film has been completed for more than a year, but was plagued with so many problems that Michael Crichton took the directing reigns away from John McTiernan and went back and did some editing or reshooting or whatever. This begs the question: Which of the two did all of his camera work in a closet? So much of this movie is in the dark it seems like a waste of time and money to have even bothered developing the film.

The film is a cross between "Dances with Wolves," "Braveheart" and two hours of television static. However, none of the hairy Norse guys stands on the mountain top and yells "Arab, you are my friend!" as Banderas sails off into the sunset. Banderas, in fact, does not lead anybody anywhere -- he just stands off to the side grooming himself while the Norsemen swing their heavy swords and chop apart the Stiff-Munchers.

Incidentally, how tall is Banderas, anyway? 5' 2"? Rumor has it he has a clause in his contract that the other actors can't look taller than him. This is possibly why the film took so long to complete, as the crew scoured the local countryside for midgets and double amputees.

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