Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.
If America's white supremacists ever got their shit together long enough to make a big budget Hollywood movie, that movie would probably look a lot like "Thor." Norse mythology has long been the province of skinheads and other fine representatives of the scum of society, and with nary a person of color to be found in this over-bleached mess it's easy to see the obvious parallels between "Thor" and the doctrine of Racial Holy War that is fueled by the power of a million meth benders.
The title character – Thor himself – is played by Aryan wet dream Chris Hemsworth, who looks sort of what Triple H in a time machine would look like. That is to say he's got the kind of body you'd expect to see either in a pay-per-view, man-on-man hotel porno or the weight room of a maximum security prison. Those Norse gods don't fuck around, and when Thor isn't Absercizing he's beating down Frost Kings, a thinly disguised allegory for, oh, anyone who doesn't have blonde hair, blue eyes and a big fucking hammer.
Like most Brotherhood members, Thor surrounds himself with a contingent of pale faces, including a preggers Natalie Portman (Aryans like their women to breed) and Kat Denning in a role so fucking insignificant that I'm surprised they didn't just use a cardboard cutout in 90 percent of her scenes. At least then maybe we would have had her glorious rack unleashed for a second or two of screen time, as opposed to it being wrapped up under layer after layer of "uncomfortable-with-her-body-girl" clothes. As it were, the only toplessness we get is from Hemsworth, and while his pecs may be glorious and point the way towards a racially pure future, it wasn't enough to get me more than half-hard.
There's an stupid brother versus brother versus King Dad story running through "Thor" that involves Anthony Hopkins playing a corpse and some British dude I have never heard of putting in time as an obviously evil Loki. Heads up, gods and goddesses: if one of your friends LOOKS evil, then he probably IS evil. Things are pretty straightforward up there in the heavens. Straightforward and boring as shit.
In the end, Thor fights a giant Transformer that shoots death beams from its eyes and finally learns the true meaning of Christmas, which surprisingly allows him to regain his powers after having fallen to Earth. By "regain his powers" I mean "pick up a big fucking hammer and smash stuff," because when you get right down to it, Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.
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