Tomb Raider

Bomb Rating: 

I don't know why I expected anything from this movie, given that it's an adaptation of a video game and the very idea of making a movie based on a video game is inherently stupid. However, I must admit some amazement at Paramount's ability to line up one moron after another to make this thing, thereby doubly ensuring that it will be a piece of laughable crap.

First among the morons is director Simon ("Con Air") West. Are they giving classes in Hollywood now on how to totally screw up an action sequence? It seems there's a litany of directors like West who've adopted the "go in close and shake the camera" technique. Does it not occur to them that unless you've been marinating in amphetamines, you can't discern one goddamn thing that's going on? Seriously, they could have replaced Angelina Jolie with a stuffed toy and flung her around the room for all I know.

As for Jolie, "Tomb Raider" might well mark the beginning of the end. She looks like a heroin addict on a crash diet. If you took this woman to a medical school and hung her from a hook by the back of her neck in an anatomy class, nobody would notice. This is beside the fact that she's wackier than an unemployed circus freak. She married Billy Bob Thornton, for Christ's sake. Oh, brother! She's going to be the first woman to give birth intravenously. And if you're looking for plot holes, try not to break your neck falling into the ones in "Tomb Raider." Lara Croft (Jolie) breaks into a secret room in her own house, but somehow knows exactly where the light switch is located. Lara's mission is to destroy an ancient artifact that allows its user to control time. She's trying to recover the two halves of this thing before an evil guy, Manfred Powell (Iain Glen) and a fellow tomb raider, Alex West (Daniel Craig). She gets the first half and for whatever retarded reason, feels compelled to find the second half. Hey, genius! If you just destroy the one half, the stupid thing isn't going to work. Whatever would possess you to risk uniting it with its sibling?

While the two halves have supposedly been hidden at opposite ends of the earth by the civilization that created it, Lara finds the first half in the ancient ruins of the creator's city. Apparently, they were solipsists. Have they never heard of the ocean? Lob the thing into the Mariana Trench, and we'll see how swift these archaeologists are about finding them.

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