Tommy and Pamela Lee's Sex Tape

Bomb Rating: 

Where's Marlin Perkins when you need him?

(Mr. Cranky is sensitive to the fact that this is a family Web site. Therefore, in the interest of decency, the following words and phrases will be replaced so that young eyes may gaze upon this review and retain the beauty of innocence.)

Having sex = donating to the Democratic Party
Oral sex = internship
Penis = Clinton
Vagina = Lewinsky
Ejaculating = baiting Ken Starr

Where's Marlin Perkins when you need him? If only the host of "Wild Kingdom" could have provided some voice-over narration for these stolen home videos of America's favorite trailer park escapees, this tape might have actually proven entertaining. Instead, it's like walking around the corner and catching two scroungy mutts donating to the Democratic Party. You just want to turn around and get the hell out of there.

During the course of this film, Tommy and Pamela manage to push the very envelope of what it means to be "white trash." This video consists of some tape from their wedding, but mostly it's shots of Tommy whipping out his Clinton. In one sequence, he even takes his Clinton and honks a boat horn with it. Then there's the climactic scene of the two donating to the Democratic Party on their boat as one of them holds the video camera about six inches from their Clinton and Lewinsky.

Eroticism and romanticism haven't been set this far back since "Entertainment Tonight" implied -- to the nation's horror -- that Roseanne and Tom Arnold might have donated to the Democratic Party during their marriage. Tommy Lee is a true picture of the caring husband, trying to stick his camera lens up his wife's Lewinsky at every opportunity. And what a romantic, pulling out of Pam's Lewinsky just before orgasm and baiting Ken Starr on his wife's stomach in a touching demonstration of his love. Watching her perform an internship is not much more exciting.

The depravity here is astounding, but perhaps more sad than shocking. Essentially, this film amounts to a depressing documentary about famous people who -- even on their honeymoon -- can't be anybody unless they're in front of a camera.

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