Tomorrow Never Dies

Bomb Rating: 

Oh, for the days of Pussy Galore.

Let's see if I have this straight: You, Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce), are the richest, most powerful man in the world. You own a media corporation so mighty that you know everything that is happening in the world the second it occurs. You can even make the news, which is the sinister plan you've hatched by sinking a British Navy ship, hoping to start a war between Britain and China.

But James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) walks into your party, says he's a banker named James Bond, and the best you can do is to stick your thumb up your ass and look genuinely impressed? Furthermore, he's been involved with your wife, Paris (Teri Hatcher). What kind of moron are you? Ever heard of a background check? When her profile comes up with a "yes" checked next to "Slept with British Superagent," I think it's time to seek new companionship.

Director Roger ("Turner and Hooch"?) Spottiswoode wants me to believe that this super-loser is going to take over the world. Yeah, right after Richard Simmons and Paul Reubens. The most impressive thing about Elliot is that he types with one hand. Whoa -- one thing at a time, pal. "Total global domination" does not come right after "typing with one hand" on the list of career stepping stones.

While Carver is trying to wreak havoc, Bond is trying to stop him (betcha didn't guess that). He has some help from a Chinese agent, Wai Lin (as in "whalin'" on somebody) played by Michelle Yeoh, who seems to be around to turn the latest James Bond franchise outlet into a Jackie Chan film. With this film and "Goldeneye," Bond has suddenly become the whipping boy of political correctness. Oh, for the days of Pussy Galore.

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