bleah





Transformers

Mr. Cranky's rating:
4 Bombs

"Transformers" is just another line in Bay's never-ending resume of shit.


Watching a Michael Bay movie is akin to swallowing a Vicodin about every twenty minutes. Slowly, you just become numb, nothing matters, and you don't feel a thing nor do you care.

Now, of course, eating a whole crapload of Vicodin would be considered fun for some people, but I'm talking that numb "I need to go regurgitate the contents of my stomach into a plastic bin" sort of feeling. "Transformers" is just another line in Bay's never-ending resume of shit. The problem with "Transformers" is that stuff comes out of the characters' mouths that sounds like words, but when those words all get strung together, the resulting sentences are so pointless, redundant, meaningless, and altogether laughable, that one wonders if the film would have been better without sound.

Whose dumb-ass idea was it to have the Transformers talk -- and to make them talk like regular, everyday folks? I like the Transformer with the hip, black voice, undoubtedly the result of some marketing asshole piping up in the meeting to point out that the kids in Compton would really respond to such a thing.

Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) is the first to come into contact with the good transformers because it turns out that one happens to be his yellow Camaro. He ends up riding around with a hot chick, Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox) and together they grow close and help the good transformers fight the bad transformers. It seems that the government has been keeping one of the bad transformers frozen along with a big cube. If the bad transformers get the big cube, bad things happen.

Let's face it, the idea of transformers is, in and of itself, not likely to create a movie that should be taken seriously. However, that's what's sad. This just seemed like another Michael Bay movie to me and an excuse for him to avoid trying to make anything that would seem remotely mature.

While the film is most obviously a commercial for General Motors, the worst sin it commits is not product placement. It's worst sin is that the whole thing is deadly dull and so overly long that my two hours and twenty minutes would have been better spent having a rhino tap dancing on my penis.

Was it really that bad?
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