The Transporter

Bomb Rating: 

I have no idea what use rules are in movies, because any moron knows that within five minutes of any character barking off a list of rules, that person will promptly proceed to break them.

I have no idea what use rules are in movies, because any moron knows that within five minutes of any character barking off a list of rules, that person will promptly proceed to break them.

Such is the case with Frank Martin, a former military man turned "transporter." He'll take anything anywhere for a price. His rules go something like this, and he never breaks them:
1. No names
2. Never open the package
3. Never change the deal

After between five and ten scenes, the rules are amended to read as follows:
1. No names (unless somebody happens to bark one out accidentally)
2. Never open the package (unless it's moving)
3. Never change the deal (unless the package is moving)

Frank gets a package containing Qi Shu (Lai Kwai) and discovers some kind of plot to transport illegal immigrants into the country. Naturally, Qi Shu is superhot, which means that Frank cares whether or not somebody shoots her. If she were fat and ugly, he would have opened the package and then closed it quickly, which means that rule 2 gets amended thus:

2. Never open the package (unless it's moving)
a. Keep package open if chick is hot
b. Close package if chick is nasty

The rest of the movie consists almost entirely of Frank ducking out of the way of things no man is humanely capable of ducking out of the way of, like massive number of martial artists attacking with punches, kicks, bullets and missiles. Why bad guys in these movies even employ advanced weaponry is anybody's guess. You'd think they'd learn that the only people they can hit with the stuff are characters with no dialogue or girlfriends who sleep with the hero in the first ten minutes of the film and express their undying love accompanied by sappy music that doesn't fit the tone of the film.

Predictably, Frank breaks all his rules, falls for the women, kicks a lot of ass and "gets involved." Here's a rule that could have saved Frank and the audience a hell of a lot of time:
4. Quit while you're ahead.

To spread the word about this The Transporter review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
0 Comments

Like This The Transporter Review? Vote it Up.

0

Rate This Movie:

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • While the average viewer with a modicum of intelligence will find "Transporter 2" to be the kind of movie that inspires daydreaming about the possibility of chimps one day directing feature films, I m

  • Tom Cruise plays Frank Mackey, a "Men are from Earth, Women arefrom the Bowels of Hell" self-help guru, in this, the latest film from "Boogie Nights" director P.T. Anderson.

  • There are probably a couple dozen tunes in this film -- enough for a double album.