Final score: Filmmakers 37. Physics 0.
While the average viewer with a modicum of intelligence will find "Transporter 2" to be the kind of movie that inspires daydreaming about the possibility of chimps one day directing feature films, I must admit a certain fondness for the picture. Now, this isn't a fondness for the movie in any way that implies enjoyment, but an appreciation for the fact that the movie makes writing a review as simple as listing the litany of implausible things that happen in it. What could make a film critic happier? Okay, maybe Joe Eszterhas on a spit, but who's counting?
So, let's not expend any extra effort here:
1. Driver-for-hire and bad ass Frank Martin (Jason Statham) actually dodges bullets. Lola (Katie Nauta) fires her machine guns. Frank sees bullets coming. Frank moves out of the way. Bullets miss. Filmmakers 1, Physics 0.
2. Frank drives his Audi through a concrete barrier and jumps across a street into another building where he not only lands safely, but drives off in his car without a scratch. Now, I can't believe I'm explaining this, but a car would need to be traveling at a very high rate of speed to jump from one building to the next. Usually when cars hit concrete barriers, these sorts of things become problematic. Filmmakers 2, Physics 0.
3. In order to remove a bomb from the bottom of his car, Frank jumps the car off a tow truck bed, spins the car around in mid-air, and manages to clip the bomb off with the end of a crane hook. A stunt of equivalent difficulty might be something like trying to remove a wart on your back by slicing it off with a scalpel you've thrown up in the air. Filmmakers 3, Physics 0.
4. Frank and bad guy Gianni (Alessandro Gassman) have a fight in a plane that's flying out of control. If this weren't stupid enough, the plane crashes into the ocean going full speed and Frank manages to swim out the back of the plane as the water comes rushing in the front of the plane. This is so inconceivably stupid that I don't think I'm doing it justice. Apparently, the filmmakers don't understand that a plane hitting the water going 200 miles an hour is about the same as a human being hitting the ground at 200 miles an hour. It's like that joke about the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits your windshield. Filmmakers 4, Physics 0.
Final score: Filmmakers 37. Physics 0. If offered transport to this movie, donate your brain to science while it's still of use to somebody.
To spread the word about this Transporter 2 review on Twitter.To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.