Tru Loved

Bomb Rating: 

Following in the footsteps of the greatest film critic known to man, Roger Ebert, who wrote his initial review of this movie based on only the first eight minutes (after which, he walked out), I have decided to review the movie "Tru Loved" after having not watched it at all.

Following in the footsteps of the greatest film critic known to man, Roger Ebert, who wrote his initial review of this movie based on only the first eight minutes (after which, he walked out), I have decided to review the movie "Tru Loved" after having not watched it at all.

Yes, friends, I am simply that talented. In fact, usually I can tell whether a movie is going to be good or bad by simply watching the trailers. For instance, I saw the trailer for that new Angelina Jolie movie recently and I can tell you that, without a doubt, it's going to suck ass. I also heard some rumors that it's too long.

As for "Tru Loved", I just know for a fact that if Roger walked out of it, the film must be a piece of crap. In fact, having seen films with film critics for many, many years, I can tell you that many film critics get up and leave before films end and review them anyway. Locally, I know of a very prominent television critic who doesn't sit through many films. I've discovered that it's very productive and saves me a lot of time if, instead of watching the film, I just watch the film critic. If he leaves before the film ends, I know that the film sucks. If he sits all the way through, I know it must be good.

"Tru Loved" has something to do with lesbian mothers and Bruce Vilanch. So the plot is either "Lesbian mothers adopt Bruce Vilanch" or "Bruce Vilanch discovers lesbian mothers and has a party" or "Bruce Vilanch eats some lesbian mothers". Whatever the plot might be, we can all agree that any one of those is a terrible plot for a movie. Clearly, the director of the movie, Stewart Wade, is a colossal failure of a human being. This is a statement I can make confidently even though I haven't seen the movie. I don't know how much of his time, effort, heart, energy, or money Stewart put into this film, but I can safely conclude that it was all wasted. Nice going, dude.

So, don't go see "Tru Loved". I didn't.

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