Tuck Everlasting

Bomb Rating: 

I thought this was the title of a porn film at first. When I found out it starred William Hurt and Sissy Spacek, I started to feel a little ill. After all, the Europeans have been doing some really groundbreaking stuff with films like "Intimacy" and I think I heard some rumors about Hurt's desire to unsheath "the next phase" of his career. So I swigged down a bottle of cough medicine and tried to relax for what had the potential to be a career-altering event.

I suppose I should be thankful that this turned out to be a weird kid's film. Unfortunately, the combination of the cough medicine-induced fog and a kid's movie about living forever does not make for the greatest mental state.

The story is that the Tuck family is going to live forever because they drink this special water from a tree. I can't tell you how many times in my life I've been invited to drink the "special" water, but never has there been the potential for immortality. This tree with the special water is in the middle of some forest owned by Winnie Foster's (Alexis Bledel) father. One day she wanders into the woods and discovers the Tucks slurping up the tree water, so they kidnap her. See, this is their secret and they don't want anyone else drinking the tree water. It's not that they don't want anyone else to be immortal (heavens, no!), but they're concerned that somebody could use the power for evil. In fact, Angus Tuck (William Hurt) considers his immortality a curse.

Immediately, a horde of problematic questions arise. First, if the Tucks don't want to be immortal, why do they continue drinking the tree water? Second, why can't the Man in the Yellow Suit (Ben Kingsley) find the tree? He apparently is a master at tracking the Tucks all over the damn world, but when it comes to walking in a forest and finding one fucking tree with some magical water, he suddenly becomes Anna Nicole Smith on "Jeopardy" (we'll pay the fine). Third, if water trickles down a tree in the middle of the forest but there's nobody around to hear it (because they're all in the next theater watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" for the 100th time), does it make a sound?

Winnie falls in love with Jesse Tuck (Jonathan Jackson), who's actually 107 and looks 17. Apparently after 107 years of chasing ass, he's still got a taste for the youngsters. You'd think that mentally, he'd be trying to move up, but I guess not. I suppose that's consistent with the mentality of this film.

To spread the word about this Tuck Everlasting review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.

Like This Tuck Everlasting Review? Vote it Up.


Rate This Movie:

Average: 5 (1 vote)

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • This is a film from director Shohei Imamura, who's apparently famous in Japan, though I'm not convinced he's famous for filmmaking.

    I know a lot of people won't believe this, but here's what happen

  • Undoubtedly, first-time director Kevin Donovan dreams of a golden shower.

  • Look, there's a huge difference between frightening and annoying, and the people who made this movie are far more into being annoying than they are being frightening.

    The premise of the movie is th