Bomb Rating: 

If you ever wondered what ‘Dawson’s Creek’ would have been like if half the cast had been replaced by an assortment of Euro-trash vampires, then Twilight is definitely the film for you. This modern remix of a tired myth is designed to target teenage girls with that tender mix of hormones that causes them to rapidly ovulate when their high school crush briefly makes eye contact with them across a crowded biology classroom.

Because that’s what this film is really all about – forget the bloodsucking (it’s on screen for 30 seconds, max), forget the drama and lore of the vampire mystique – this film is all about STARING. That’s right – if you feel like getting drunker than the female lead character’s single divorcee dad (he’s never shown without a beer either in his hand or less than 6 inches away) then all you have to do is smuggle a bottle of tequila into the theatre and take a shot every time Kristen Stewart and obvious non-actor Robert Pattinson engage in a long, drawn out, meaningful glance. If you choose to accept what I call the ‘Twilight Liver Destroyer Challenge’, then I hope you bring a friend, because you are going to be leaving the screening in a wheelchair.

These stare down interludes would be funny if they weren’t so damn disturbing at the same time thanks to the fact that director Catherine Hardwicke asks Stewart to simulate orgasm every time her paramour’s eyes meet her own. Given the fact that her character is suppose to be around the age of 16, this leads to uncomfortable moments for all of the non-pedophiles in the audience. Grunts, groans, and gasps for air all escape Stewart’s quivering lips on an almost constant basis, giving Twilight that sort of soft-core porn sheen that will no doubt lead to a slew of dumbass teens getting knocked up by their Vampire: The Gathering-playing boyfriends in theatre parking lots across the country. The awkwardness was somewhat drowned out for me by the constant shuffling of the guy in the full-length trench coat seated to my right, but I still left the theatre full of shame and hiding my inappropriate erection.

These moments of pubescent ecstasy were far from the most bizarre moments of onscreen sexuality, which would have to be reserved for the intricately explained incest plot that revolved around the freakishly made-up Cullen vampire clan. Yes, each brother save for our hero is given a sister to fuck and defile in full view of the community and the school, and this is of course accepted as completely normal because they are merely foster siblings. Remember all the foster siblings making out at your prom in high school? Of course you don’t, because you didn’t grow up in a Vincent Gallo film.

Of course, Twilight also throws in the requisite vampire clichés that hang from the skeleton of this putrid excuse for a movie like the gaudiest of tinsel on a threadbare Christmas tree. Ridiculous pancake makeup on all of the undead characters? Check. Mind reading? Check. Vampires that can fly? Well, he can climb the shit out of a tree and run really fast, so I guess that’s covered too. Oh and there’s also a gang of evil vampires (gasp) who wander into town and cause some chaos. You can tell they are evil because they wear open jackets with big medallions and enter every scene surrounded by mist, which is pretty badass. Eventually they fight with the ‘good’ vampires, but by that point no one really cares since half the audience is furiously masturbating and the others are slowly drawing a razor blade across their forearms in an effort to distract them from the disaster they have been forced to witness on the screen in front of them. I’ll let you figure out for yourself which of those two groups I fell into.

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"figure out for yourself which of those two groups I fell into."

Coaster's picture

Careful, dude.  Paul Rubens got busted for that exact same thing back in '91.

LOL, Twilight.

MadNessMonster's picture

But the real issue is this:  Do they have the sparkling Vampires in the movie?

(Also, what is this "Vampire: The Gathering" game?)

They do, in fact, have the sparkling vampires, Nessie.

Mal_Content's picture

Sadly, the sparkling scene wasn't the least bit impressive.  If I'd been Isabella, at that point I would have taken one look at Edward and decided that I could do better.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this movie was miscast.  I'm not sure if the director had decided that Edward was supposed to be a Vulcan-vampire crossbreed, but that's definitely how he came across.

After sitting through 25 minutes of commercials and another 5 minutes of trailers before "Twilight" started, I was already beginning to lose interest in the movie, which is unfortunate, because I really enjoyed the book.

Some sort of cross between

Crazy's picture

Some sort of cross between Vampire: The Eternal Struggle (or perhaps Vampire: The Requiem/Masquerade/Whatever) and Magic: The Gathering, I guess.

(Sparkling Vampires? How lame is that?)

The vampire thing reached it's peak with Blade and Underworld

TMundo's picture

If  one wants to do another vampire movie it had better be epic, or done right after an epic flick is released as to ride the wave of excitement.

Now isn't a good time to release a vampire flick that's meh.

I beg to differ. Hopefully

questionthemajority's picture

I beg to differ. Hopefully one more unappealing vampire film will actually convince those stupid goth teens out there that there's more to life than sulking in self-induced angst.


Probably won't, but a man can dream.

I'm not sure which planet you're from, question,

Mal_Content's picture

but there's nothing on Earth that could convince teens there's more to life than sulking (wallowing) in self-induced angst.  Unless, of course, their parents have ensured that they're doped up from the age of 14 on.

There's also nothing that could convince me to relive my teen years, even though I was only lucid for about 30% of them.


There was also a Paul Newman thriller called TWILIGHT (spoilers)

FearlessFreep's picture

Lessons learned from that movie:

1.  If you're cheating on your husband, don't wear your lover's polo shirt in front of the cuckold.

2.  Don't wear perfume when you kill someone, or the guy investigating the crime scene may recognize your scent.


The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Sadly, this film was merely

scarlet_ohara's picture

Sadly, this film was merely a sterilized, watered-down, poorly executed version of what could have been- nay, should have been done, with one of the world's greatest books ever.

Mal is completely correct- the casting was all wrong. Kristen Stewart can't act. Robert Pattinson is hideous as Edward (who is supposed to be inhumanly beautiful), and also can't act. His one expression (for rage, jealousy, mysteriousness, happiness, etc.) seems to be the face of someone attempting to defecate.

I doubt anyone involved in the making of the film actually read the book. Least of all, the director- who apparently believes being bitten by an evil vampire would be means to scream like you've just bedded a rock star.

I make a motion that the director be tossed for the sequal and we get Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) to do it. He actually reads the books.

Since when has acting been a criteria for getting on film?

gamerarocks's picture

ESPECIALLY in teen psuedo-dramas?  Directors are all busy attempting to find that 'Magical American Beauty' moment anyway.  (see M Night Shaymaylan (sp))  One simply has to accept that 99% of Hollywood's spewing will be crap and the other 1% will still fail on some level.  Dem dar movees aint wut dey usta be.  If you find 1 a year you like, you're doing well.

One movie a year?

Coaster's picture

gamerarocks wrote:

If you find 1 a year you like, you're doing well.

Nonsense.  One of the secrets to enjoying movies, and indeed life in general, is not to develop impossibly high standards.  

And no, I ain't seeing Twilight. I may not have impossibly high standards myself, but I do have standards.

No, really, seriously.....

gamerarocks's picture

When I say like I mean a movie that I'd actually buy for purposes of watching again at home more than once.  One that I 'like' enough to enduce the desire to watch repeatedly.  We all have our preferences, but I can go through my DVD's and yeah, it's about 1 a year.  I've got more TV episodes on DVD than movies.  (sigh)

Well Aaaaahl Be

Coaster's picture

The highest Coaster Compliment© a movie can receive is when Coaster feels compelled to see it more than once. That usually amounts to only one or two a year. I'd say which ones they were, but it might cause most of the feelm snobs here to puke on their shoes. Which is better than puking in your shoes, but that's a whole 'nother post.

One of the best books

Anonymous's picture

One of the best books ever?
Are you fucking kidding me?


No, She's Not Kidding

Coaster's picture

Anonymous wrote:

One of the best books ever? Are you fucking kidding me? Degenerates.

Would it help if she qualified that statement with "Jokes for the John excepted, of course."

Yeah. I thought so. Poseur

"I make a motion that the

Kassie's picture

"I make a motion that the director be tossed for the sequal and we get Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) to do it. He actually reads the books."

I doubt he reads utter crap.

Who says romance is dead?

Skjaere's picture

Oh, I don't think the incest is so out of place in this film. After all; it's set in Forks, which is something like the Alabama of Washington State. Everyone there takes a keen interest in their families' love-lives.

Oh My

Critico's picture

The things i sometimes do for pussy, i didn't get any by the way, the movie sucks so much, the bad acting, the awful fx, the even worse dialog. But i gotta say, i think the stars will be huge, they do have charisma, and al the girls were going crazy for the guy.

The girl i went with loved the movie.

Critico, you think it's bad *now*?

Coaster's picture

Just wait until you get married.  I once took my wife to see Hope Floats. (shudders at the thought)

God, Critico!

Mal_Content's picture

If you were only there to nail your date, you should have worn fake fangs and sprinkled glitter all over your body.  I don't know for certain that this would have gotten you laid, but you may have gotten points for effort.


Or maybe you should have thrown her over your back and climbed the highest tree in sight.  At least then you could have told her to put out or fall out.

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