The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Bomb Rating: 

The true goal of this film is to instill in teenage girls the desire to lose their virginity as soon as possible.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in New Moon

I'm going to go on record saying that "New Moon" was better than the first Twilight movie, even though saying anything remotely good about emotion porn like this brings forth an insatiable urge to welcome the sweet release of death.

But the truth is that this movie WAS more tolerable. Like pulling a tooth without any Novocaine is more tolerable than watching Carrot Top.

Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that Kristen Stewart is depressed for three quarters of the movie. Really, really depressed. Kristen Stewart, who lacks the ability to make a single facial expression, does depression better than anyone else.

Adding to the improvement train is the fact that Robert Pattinson's character Edward is absent for most of the story. If anyone beats Kristen Stewart in the bad actor's award, it's Robert Pattinson. Thankfully, Tyler Lautner, apparently on steroids, has more talent than the two main actors combined, which isn't a compliment exactly because 0 plus 0 still equals 0.

Be prepared to endure the moans of annoying teenagers if you want to see this flick, as it seems the true goal of this film is to instill in teenage girls the desire to lose their virginity as soon as possible. Maybe in the car ride on the way home, if it can be managed. I'm sure it also helped plant the seed for the next wave of statutory rape, as desperate, lonely housewives everywhere go in search of their very own Tyler Lautner boy toy.

SPOILERS are below for anyone who wants avoid losing a few synapses.

Ultimately, this movie is an audition for the best queen. This becomes strange when you realize that Bella (Stewart) is not even in the running.

After a minor snafu with Edward's (Pattinson) vampire family, Edward decides to open his audition as supreme drama queen and break up with Bella (Stewart). He leaves abruptly, abandoning her in the middle of nowhere so as to ensure a speedy death. She is rescued by a shirtless Indian (Lautner's Jacob), who is a bigger, scarier version of Ralph Macchio in the Karate kid.

Jacob turns out to better competition than anyone dared realize, since he has "drama queen" written all over him as well. Apparently, Bella likes guys who treat her like the annoying, submissive ninny that she is. Jacob (finally) hits puberty and becomes a werewolf, because Indians, being in touch with nature, can do cool shit like that. The only one who can't do anything is Bella, whose one supernatural power is the power of uselessness.

Being so utterly useless, vampire Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) decides to put Bella and everyone else around her out of their misery, and begins to go after her in flamboyant, impractical ways. All to the music of Emo rock blasting in the background. Meanwhile, Bella, still in self-destruct mode since her Eurotrash Edward left, has an infatuation with danger. Whenever she does something dangerous, she can see and hear Edward.

Don't worry. In the end, everything turns out hunky-dory and Jacob and Edward realize their feelings for each other and start an inter-species relationship. And that is the story of Brokeback Moon.

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Good lord, Firsties??

Becky_Sharp's picture

It's been awhile since I've been here--are we still doing Firsties?

If so, I call it. :)

The Ho-ing of Cranky.

TheWreck's picture

"First Bite" - "a personalized vampire romance novel".  Wow.

Hard times, eh, Cranky?

 

TheWreck

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