Two if by Sea

Bomb Rating: 

The biggest quandary in this movie comes with the opening credits when you notice that comedian Denis Leary enjoys top billing over Sandra Bullock. This puzzle is quickly solved when the credits for story and screenplay come rolling by, listing Leary in both. Have no doubt -- when you finish watching this movie you'll be soaked in Denis Leary's ego. It tastes like chicken.

Leary, who spent his 15 minutes as the annoying loudmouth on MTV, has now come up with the startlingly creative idea that an annoying loudmouth would make a good leading man. His character, Frank, is a thief and a loser. By some miracle of cosmic fate, his girlfriend is Sandra Bullock. This is the kind of match that prompts everybody in the theater to grunt "yeah, right" the first time the two appear on screen together. The grunting soon segues to groaning as Leary and Bullock steal a painting and high-tail it to a posh New England island community where they hole up in a vacant mansion.

As if this film weren't bad enough, "Two if By Sea" commits one of the all-time, B-movie cliché sins: Yaphet Kotto plays an FBI agent. As film buffs are well aware, poor, typecast Yaphet Kotto has never been in a film where he didn't play some kind of law enforcement person.

Okay, okay, I know what you're gonna say: "What about 'Alien'?" Well, here's a little-known fact about that movie: Just before Kotto's character had his head chewed off by the aliens, he was supposed to scream, "Please! Don't kill me! I'm an FBI agent!" However, much to the dismay of Kotto's growing fan base, that scene was later cut to pare running time.

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