Unbreakable

Bomb Rating: 

Is there anybody in real life who talks like they do in an M. Night Shyamalan film?

I swear, if M. Night Shyamalan makes his movies go any slower, we're going to watch them and start moving back in time. How many times do I have to look at Bruce Willis's bald head and furrowed brow to know he's troubled? Okay, he's troubled. I get it! He said he was troubled. Oh, there he goes again, furrowing that brow. HE MUST BE TROUBLED!!

This film's tag line is "Are you ready for the truth?" I've seen the film and I still don't know what that has to do with it. What's the truth? That Willis can't act? That giving Samuel L. Jackson an out-of-control 'fro is going to make me think that it's not Samuel L. Jackson? That Robin Wright Penn doesn't look like she's been shooting heroin? Jesus, the woman looks like a refugee from "Requiem for a Dream."

Willis plays a guy who is the only survivor of a train wreck - in fact, he doesn't have a scratch on him. Naturally, he walks out of the hospital looking all sorry for himself for whatever reason. Me, I stroll out in front of all those grieving families and yell: "Woohoo! I won!" Christ, what a moment that would be. Anyway, you know this movie is going to take its sweet time from that point forward, because it immediately starts going in circles. Jackson plays Elijah Price, this weird guy who collects comic books and starts telling Willis he has a higher purpose in life, whatever that is. Bruce just turns away and stares at his Cheerios for like half an hour.

Is there anybody in real life who talks like they do in an M. Night Shyamalan film? It's like every conversation has about ten extra words in it. "Why am I looking at you like this? I'm looking at you like this for two reasons." Most people just say, "Because you're a freak." I don't repeat everything that someone has just said to me merely to reconfirm that they said it. However, it is possible that this is a technique Shyamalan has developed to keep sleeping audience members informed of the film's progress -- sort of like hypnosis. This film needs all the help it can get.

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