In a world where trains make the rules and giant gas refineries are built beside roller-coaster-esque tracks, the only thing standing between horrific disaster and a heartwarming tale that brings two families together are a veteran railway dude and a rookie railway dude – and the love that blossoms between them.
Okay, maybe I made that last part up, but if I did, it was only because adding any kind of social subtext to UNSTOPPABLE would have made it more interesting. UNSTOPPABLE is the second film in what I can only project will be a trilogy of train films directed by Tony Scott and starring Denzel Washington (the first being last year's "The Taking of Pelham 123"). I project that their next project together will be an Oscar-worthy remake of "Money Train," but even if they break Wesley Snipes out of prison so he can reprise his role as "John," it is unlikely to top the sheer majesty that is UNSTOPPABLE.
Why do I keep capitalizing UNSTOPPABLE? Because it is the MOUNTAIN DEW of train movies. It is EXTREME. In UNSTOPPABLE there are HELICOPTERS flying inches away from SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVES – ALL THE TIME! Shit goes BOOM! Denzel makes a touching connection with a much younger CAPTAIN KIRK! People talk on WALKIE-TALKIES – ALL THE TIME!
In many ways, UNSTOPPABLE is like a combination of the worst elements of Under Siege 2 and Speed 2. That's right – UNSTOPPABLE is so bad, it's already as terrible as it would have been if it had been released as the sequel to an equally shitty movie about trains. My first guess is that they intended to put UNSTOPPABLE out as Under Siege 3, but then realized that Steven Seagal was way too fat to actually fit into a train – AKA the largest form of land transportation on the planet. Either that or they were unable to extract him from the SUV he inhabits on "Steven Seagal: Lawman" for medical reasons.
Bottom line? If you love trains and explosions, and if that combination of characteristics doesn't already have you on some kind of FBI watchlist, then you are going to love UNSTOPPABLE. If you have a job that actually requires coherent thought, and you want to maintain your mental faculties so that you can continue to earn your pathetic income, then avoid UNSTOPPABLE at all costs. Because this shit will kill brain cells faster than "Snakes on a Plane."
To spread the word about this Unstoppable review on Twitter.To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.