Uptown Girls

Bomb Rating: 

Oh dear God, was it bad.

Spoiler alert (that is, if you consider a dead fly in the middle of a lollipop made of shit to be a spoiler).

Quick quiz: You're a Hollywood executive and early screenings of your studio's upcoming release, "Uptown Girls," have bored audiences to the point of mass suicide. After you've bribed the coroner to "lose" the bodies at the local Taco Bell, you're forced to make some quick changes. What do you do?

* Reshoot some scenes with new direction for Brittany Murphy, who plays shiftless-moron-turned-nanny Molly Gunn: "Do it like last time, but let's tone down the crazy."
* Throw in an adorable pet pig. Cut to it making cute grunting noises whenever things get slow (every five minutes).
* Sell the soundtrack at any cost. Do this even if you have to cram a peppy pop tune into the scene where Molly considers suicide. At every opportunity, wave the soundtrack in the audience's face like the warty of ass of a stripper shaking it for one last Andrew Jackson.
* Since a cute little kid is the centerpiece of the script, see if you can find one who shows an inkling of likeability, rather than one that makes audiences consider whether abortion should be legalized up until the 30th trimester.
* Those scenes where Brittany stalks a gay musician? Let's tone down the crazy.
* Add some pratfalls. You heard me: pratfalls! Test audiences might have perceived Brittany as "less funny than dryer lint," but even dryer lint is funny if it falls on its ass once in a while. Right? Right?
* New tagline for marketing campaign: "Better than 'Gigli'!"
* Note to makeup: There's really no hiding those dark circles under Brittany's eyes. See if you can play them up instead. Maybe people will think it's a new fashion trend or something.
* Reshoot that one scene where Heather Locklear's face unexpectedly snaps free and rolls up onto her forehead like a faulty window shade. Use stronger glue and a nail gun if necessary.
* Call Rob Reiner and bitch him out for 30 minutes about this feckless turd of a movie he's foisted upon your studio. After Rob Reiner tells you that he has no idea who you are and he heard that "Uptown Girls" was being directed by someone named "Boaz Yakin," call all your assistants into the room and demand to know what the hell is going on.
* That scene where Brittany reacts to a plot development by bouncing around like a human squeaky toy? Let's tone down the crazy.
* Ok, we've got it: We bet the whole enchilada on a dramatic final scene where the male love interest secretly buys at auction the guitar that once belonged to Molly's late father. Love interest then crashes a youth ballet performance and sings the very ballad � called "my little girl" or something � that Molly's father sang to her right before dying in a fiery plane crash. Meanwhile, little ballerinas dance freestyle around the dead father's other guitars. Rather that react with stunned, mortified silence, the audience gives him a standing ovation, and rather than run from the building in tears, Molly gives him a look that confirms she's sexually aroused by the entire affair. Yeah, that could work.

In the end, none of it helped. Oh dear God, was it bad.

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