Valiant

Bomb Rating: 

Despite being a product of "Shrek" producer John H. Williams, "Valiant" feels like something that you'd pick up in the DVD bargain bin for $2.99.

For those who don't know, Disney has these animation factories in Mexico and Australia that spit out crap like "Tarzan II" and "Aladdin III" and all the other straight-to-video sequels that Disney sells that probably rake in big profits because they're produced with slave labor and are spat out by interns using Final Cut Pro and an iBook.

Despite being a product of "Shrek" producer John H. Williams, "Valiant" feels like something that you'd pick up in the DVD bargain bin for $2.99. Let's face it, you know an animated movie isn't going to work when the trailers make you vow that having children will never be an option for you.

Not only is "Valiant" formulaic, it involves British pigeons during World War II. Perhaps the movie was meant to encourage young British boys to sign up for the military and fight terrorism in Iraq by inspiring the hero within, or perhaps it was meant to remind the public that the Brits were once the underdog and not the imperialist force they appear to be today. Whatever it's trying to do, "Valiant" is a dropping. The best thing I can say about it is that the water was well animated. I was really impressed with the water. There are several interesting sequences involving water. I'm not talking about the pigeons that might have been in the sequences or the story happening at the time. I'm actually saying that I stopped and stared at the water because it appeared so real. Good job with the water, boys.

As for the predictable, dull story, Valiant (voice by Ewan McGregor) is a scrawny pigeon who joins the pigeon portion of the World War II effort to deliver messages for the Allies. He meets a fat, dirty pigeon named Bugsy (Ricky Gervais) and they go to training, where they're forced into action and end up surprising everyone by completing their mission. Shocking, no?

This film has the stupidest postscript I've ever seen, some text about some award given out during World War II for "animal bravery." Apparently, some pigeons were actually given medals for bravery. So were a couple cats and a lot of dogs. Bravery? Sounds like good training to me. Can you imagine if you were a trainer and you spent years of your life training your dog to rescue humans and then they gave the medal to the fucking dog?

I'd be almost as pissed as I was sitting through this thing.

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