Vampires

Bomb Rating: 

For reference purposes, Daniel is other wise known as the fat Baldwin, distinguishing him from Stephen, the ugly Baldwin, William, the no-talent Baldwin, and Alec, the lucky-ass Baldwin screwing Kim Basinger.

Officially, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to call this film"Vampires" or "John Carpenter's Vampires." The press materials and some of the other things I've read would seem to indicate that the director's name is officially part of the title, so when you look the film up in video books next year, you'll have to look under the letter "J," which is likely to piss off a whole bunch of people who'll end up getting stuck with a Fernando Mendez flick.

Those lazy, idiotic Carpenter fans could also end up with "Vampire Hookers" starring John Carradine, a mistake of high irony since Carpenter and Carradine have so many letters in common in their names and since "Vampire Hookers" wouldn't be a too far off description of "Vampires." Loose-hipped Katrina (Sheryl Lee) gets bitten by master vampire Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith), and then inadvertently helps ace vampire hunter Jack Crow (James Woods) and his partner, Tony Montoya (Daniel Baldwin), track Valek down.

For reference purposes, Daniel is otherwise known as the fat Baldwin, distinguishing him from Stephen, the ugly Baldwin, William, the no-talent Baldwin, and Alec, the lucky-ass Baldwin screwing Kim Basinger. This makes Daniel a rather repulsive choice for Katrina -- hooker or not -- since he demonstrates his affection for her by hitting her and calling her "bitch" at every available opportunity.

The film's misogynistic streak is far more mephitic than the copious decapitated heads that go flying around the screen or the incinerated vampires exposed to the sun. Add to that the narrow vocabulary of Crow, which is limited to motherfucker this and motherfucker that, and Carpenter's name is yet further devalued. One more turkey like this and the selling power of Carpenter's oft-cited but now seldom-demonstrated talent will be all but sucked dry.

To spread the word about this Vampires review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
0 Comments

Like This Vampires Review? Vote it Up.

0

Rate This Movie:

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • Jonathan Lipnicki's major talent appears to be saying the word "dude", because he does it so many times in this film that you wish the Cute Police would swoop in from nowhere and decapitate him with t

  • What's sexier than vampires? How about vampires and celibate priests. Scratch that - the answer is obviously celibate priests fighting vampires in a future where personal hygiene is no longer fashi

  • If Wesley Snipes is such a tough guy, why does he need all those special effects to help him with his martial arts?