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Let me first begin this review by admitting this much: I am - or rather, _was_ - a long time fan of John Carpenter. I count "The Fog", "Halloween" and "In The Mouth Of Madness" as some of the finest horror films ever made. I usually also like the work of James Woods, and Sheryl "Wrapped In Plastic" Lee continues, in my opinion, to be one of the most underrated actresses in Hollywood.
What substance these three were on when they decided to work together on this rabid sewer-rat of a film is perhaps best left to the imagination.
"Vampires" is possibly the single most offensive film I've seen in a very, very long time. I don't think I've ever actually seen a movie that just out-and-out hated women in quite as vehement a manner as this abomination. The sole female lead in the film is subjected to the kind of atrocities that even the Khmer Rouge might find a little over the top: during the course of two hours, she's stripped naked and bound and gagged to a bed, threatened with having her neck snapped, referred to over and over again as "whore" or "bitch", bound again to a car seat, slapped, and punched into unconsciousness - all of this by the guy she eventually falls head over heels for. Ah, young love.
You'll notice that I've managed to write three whole paragraphs of this review before ever detailing what the actual plot is. The short explanation for this is that there is none to be found within a country mile of "Vampires", at least none that's coherent. Basically, it's a bunch of big dumb guys in leather driving around, killing vampires and slapping around people they know aren't likely to fight back, like frightened women and priests. As Catwoman once said in "Batman Returns", "I just love a big strong man who's not afraid to show it on someone half his size".
Anyway, this merry band of numbskulls, led by a gent who goes by the unlikely name of Jack Crow (James Woods in a total waste of talent) and his beefy, beef-brained sidekick, Tony Montoya (a repulsive William Baldwin), is on the trail of a master vamp named Valek (which sounds to me suspiciously like the kind of name one might give a "Star Trek" alien, but I digress), so they can kill him. Why exactly do they want to do this? Well, uh...he's a vampire, isn't he?! And dang it, that's good enough for our man Crow. One gets the impression from this film that, had he been born in another era, Mr. Crow might have been just as happy riding around with a white sheet over his face and burning crosses as he is now, hunting vampires.
Now, with such absolutely revolting examples of humanity as we see in the slayers, one might have cause to hope that the vampires themselves would be more intriguing, and - dare I say it? - sympathetic. Alas, one quickly learns that John Carpenter's intent in making this film was, apparently, to prove to the world that you can in fact make a movie with no redeeming characters in it whatsoever. Valek appears for about two scenes, and has all the charisma of a California Redwood with fangs. The other vampires are there for no apparent reason other than provide yet more people for the slayers to kick the crap out of (although they seem to be doing quite well with women and clergymen, thanks, Mac).
Now, anyone familiar with my reviews will know this: I am a firm believer that it is not the hero, but the villain, who makes or breaks a work of fiction. If the adversary is about as interesting or intelligent as a Naugahyde sofa, why should we care? This movie, I feel, goes a long way towards proving my stance on this matter once and for all. The vampires in "Vampires" are, to be blunt, absolute and total morons. This is evidenced by the fact that, over and over again, they are defeated by the device the slayers have rigged up: an arrow which is attached via a wire to a truck outside is planted into the vamp's chest, the truck is started, the vamp is pulled out into sunlight and turns into Vampire a la Flambe. Now, unless all vampires are possessed of lemming-like instincts that I was not hitherto aware of, they should be able to quickly assess this situation and come to a quick solution: _pull the arrow out_. Yes, it will be painful, but isn't momentary pain preferable to the alternative here?
Anyway, now that's out of the way, there's basically not much more to say about "Vampires", plot-wise: we've got endless shots of Katrina (Sheryl Lee) being verbally and physically abused, endless shots of the young priest accompanying the slayers being verbally and physically abused, endless shots of pretty much everyone apart from the slayers themselves being verbally and physically abused, Jack Crow taking what some might call an unusually obsessive interest in other men's state of sexual arousal, a Sam Peckinpah-ripoff climax, and a denouement so packed with "I Love You, Man" sentiment that you get the disconcerting feeling that the projectionists accidentally switched the final reel of "Vampires" with that of an Iron John Weekend home movie.
I could go on and on about the various ways in which this movie manages to offend everyone apart from Cletis the Slack-Jawed Yokel (with apologies to The Simpsons), but I fear that if I were to do that, we'd be here years after "Vampires" has faded into the cinematic obscurity it so richly deserves. I've heard many people dismiss this film as "harmless fun", but the sad fact is that "Vampires" is just too mean-spirited and hateful even to qualify as escapism. This movie doesn't just hate women, it hates _everyone_, including the audience.
I went into this movie feeling pretty good, and came out feeling like I needed a lifetime subscription for Prozac. It was, ladies and gentlemen, the cinematic equivalent of being told, in the space of two hours, that you've lost your job, your grandma just died, and that your puppy was hit by a car. And then being asked to pay seven dollars for that information.
Suffice it to say that, by the time the credits for "Vampires" rolled, I was ready to do some slaying of my own. At the risk of using a very bad pun indeed, "Vampires" just sucks. And if you're one of the fortunate souls who hasn't already paid seven bucks to see this worthless trailer-park trash, it might do you good to remember before you contemplate doing so: once bitten, twice shite.
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