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EXT. HUNGRY HONEY'S 24-HOUR-DINER PARKING LOT--DAWN
While Aurora and Emerald are stretching their legs, Chiz is taking the electronic handcuffs off their wrists. Aron is holding a pulse pistol.
ARON
Remember -- don't try any funny stuff.
EMERALD
Even if we did, you wouldn't laugh because you have no
sense of humor.
ARON
Hardy-fucking-har. Let's go.
INT. HUNGRY HONEY'S DINER--DAWN
The quartet is seated at a booth, each engrossed in a menu, when a waitress, KAREN, walks over.
KAREN
So how are we this morning?
AURORA
Still kinda groggy.
KAREN
Didn't take a caffeine shot this morning, huh? Well, I
guess the first thing we'll be ordering is some coffee,
right?
AURORA
Actually, the first thing I really need is a bathroom.
EMERALD
My bladder is about to burst, too.
CHIZ
You girls know the rule -- one at a time.
EMERALD
Yeah, we know, we know.
(to Aurora)
You go first --
AURORA
Are you sure?
EMERALD
Yeah -- I can hold out.
KAREN
(pointing)
The ladies' room is right over there.
Chiz stands up to let Aurora pass by, then sits back down again.
CHIZ
I guess I will have some of that coffee. With cream,
maybe...
We follow Aurora to the bathroom while Karen continues to deal with the group's order.
INT. WOMEN'S ROOM AT DINER--DAWN
Aurora walks into the ladies room, then examines herself in the mirror for a few seconds, messes around with her hair, then enters the nearest stall, locking the door behind her.
Just as she pulls her pants down, the main door to the ladies room squeaks open. She listens for voices or footsteps as she relieves herself but hears nothing.
She wipes, flushes, zips her pants and stretches a little before reaching for the stall door. She steps into the main bathroom area.
The first thing she sees is the nozzle of a pistol aimed at her face.
A couple seconds later, her eyes focus properly and she makes out Pseu on the other side of the gun. Alpan, also armed, stands guard at the door.
AURORA
Look... I don't have any money --
PSEU
The hell you don't.
ALPAN
Try ten million dollars.
AURORA
Oh, shit...
PSEU
We've been following you guys for three days, just waiting
for the perfect opportunity -- and this is it.
AURORA
But -- but by myself I'm only worth five million.
ALPAN
Five, ten -- who gives a shit? Either way, it's more than
either of us will ever make in our entire lives as barmaids
or teachers or whatever!
PSEU
(points gun at window)
Now you just ease on over there -- wait for me to go out
first, then you follow, then Alpan will follow you, and
we'll all just get out of here nice and quiet like and
nobody will get hurt.
AURORA
(under her breath)
Until I'm back in Jim's arms again, that is.
ALPAN
What'd you say?
AURORA
(while moving)
Nothing. Fuggitaboutit.
Pseu puts her gun in her pocket, opens the window and climbs out. Aurora follows.
EXT. HUNGRY HONEY'S DINER--DAWN
After Alpan lands on the hard cement outside, Pseu begins to lead the way through the somewhat crowded parking lot.
AURORA
Emerald said there weren't any female bounty hunters on
Mars -- that's why she tried to break into the business,
but they kept screwing her over.
PSEU
Well, we're definitely bounty hunters so I guess Emerald
was wrong was wrong, wasn't she?
AURORA
I guess so. What forum did you get your licenses --
Suddenly a shadow steps out of the shadows right in front of Pseu. It's xyz and he's holding an Uzi-styled gun.
XYZ
Hello, ladies. I believe you have something that belongs
to me.
PSEU
Who the hell are you?
XYZ
Just an old associate of the gentlemen you stole this prize
from. I ain't got all day to be making small talk -- just
hand her over and we'll all be on our way.
Aurora is shaking like a leaf as she stands surrounded by guns.
INT. HUNGRY HONEY'S DINER--DAWN
Aron and Chiz are working on their drinks while Emerald plays with hers while attempting to keep her urine inside.
CHIZ
(to Emerald)
Did Aurora say anything about stomach pains?
EMERALD
No. Pains in the ass, maybe. Why?
CHIZ
Because she's been gone quite a while.
ARON
Has she? Guess I lost track of time.
EMERALD
Maybe I should go check on her --
ARON
Yeah, right.
EMERALD
I’m serious -- you're right, she has been gone too long.
Chiz glances at Aron for a second before he stands up.
CHIZ
You got your cell?
ARON
Of course.
CHIZ
Why don't you make your way for the door -- just in case.
I'll see if I can get the waitress to check on Aurora.
Chiz starts moving toward the bathroom. Just then a female customer exits the ladies room. Chiz quickly seizes the opportunity.
CHIZ
(to customer)
Hey -- could you do me a favor? Could you go back inside
and check to see how my friend is doing?
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Your friend? There's nobody in there.
CHIZ
Are you sure -- can you look to make sure --
FEMALE CUSTOMER
I was just in there -- there was nobody else with me.
She takes a couple of steps back so she can push the ladies room door open.
FEMALE CUSTOMER (CONTD)
Look for yourself.
Chiz sticks his head inside and takes a quick look around -- he sees nothing. Except an open window.
CHIZ
Thanks. I'll take it from here.
The customer smiles and wanders off as Chiz walks inside the bathroom. First he double checks each of the stalls, opening the doors all the way. Then he stops at the window, pulling himself up so he can look out it.
EXT. PARKING LOT--DAWN
A couple dozen meters away from the diner, flashes of light zigzag across the lot, each accompanied by loud POPS and occasional GLASS BREAKING.
Chiz adjusts his head for a better view and slowly begins to make out the sources of all the commotion: xyz is in a gunfight with two women while Aurora is cowering behind a car.
CHIZ
Holy shit!
He rips his cell phone out with one hand and his gun with the other. He tries to speak into the gun and aim the cell phone.
CHIZ (CONTD)
Aron -- pick up, you --
(corrects mistake)
Aron!
ARON (V.O.)
(through phone)
Yeah?
CHIZ
Our old buddy xyz and those last two girls we tried to pick
up at that sports bar are having a shootout over Aurora in
the back parking lot!
ARON (V.O.)
You're fuckin' kiddin' me!
CHIZ
Does this sound like I'm kidding you?
He holds the cell phone toward the brouhaha.
INT. HUNGRY HONEY'S DINER--DAWN
With Emerald trying to listen as well, Aron hears the gunfire coming through loud and clear.
ARON
(into phone)
We're on our way!
EMERALD
Oh, my God!
The two run out the door.
EXT. PARKING LOT--DAWN
Chiz has already joined the gunfight by the time Aron and Emerald arrive -- they quickly duck behind an airship next to him. Pulses are whizzing through the air.
ARON
How the hell did this happen?
CHIZ
Sorry -- haven't had time to do interviews yet!
He jumps up and takes a couple of shots at xyz, then one at Pseu before diving for cover again. Somebody loses a windshield.
Aron runs in xyz's direction, hiding behind a couple of cars and airships along the way and leaving Emerald with Chiz. He peers around a tire and fires three shots at xyz.
ARON
What are you doing, you sorry motherfucker?
XYZ
Taking the money that you dudes owe me!
CHIZ
(between shots)
Nobody told you to quit when you did! You leave a job
unfinished, you don't get paid!
Just then another customer, RONNIE, walks upon this mess. A blast knocks his coffee out of his hand.
RONNIE
What the -- you fucking bastards! You owe me eighty-five
cents!
He pulls a sawed off shotgun and joins the shooting.
xyz changes clips, then leaps to his feet, spraying shots all over the place. Pseudonym and Aron practically alternate returning fire from their positions -- as soon as they're out, Alpan and Chiz join in.
Meanwhile Aron attempts to crawl closer to xyz but he's thwarted by a pair of shotgun blasts too close for comfort.
One blast nearly nails Aurora, and Emerald is able to see this.
EMERALD
(to Chiz)
They almost got her! You should stop shooting!
CHIZ
What good's that gonna do?
EMERALD
She's worth more to you alive than dead, right?
CHIZ
What's that supposed to mean? I done told you, I don't
love her!
EMERALD
Who said anything about love? You're the only one who
keeps mentioning love! I meant the bounty for a live
Aurora is twice as much as the bounty for a dead Aurora!
Chiz thinks about it.
CHIZ
(calling over)
You hear that, Aron? She has a point!
ARON
(while rolling)
Yeah, but I don't know about changing to "stun" -- that
might not be enough to bring down xyz!
XYZ
You damn straight!
RONNIE
And I ain't fuckin' stunnin' nobody after what ya'll did to
my drink!
Aron jumps on top of a car.
ARON
Glad to hear it!
He fires two blasts right into Ronnie's chest, who immediately stumbles backward, dropping his gun in the process.
Pseu and xyz both begin to light up the car and Aron dives for cover. xyz is drawn out just enough for Chiz to see him and clip him.
XYZ
Shit!
Several new customers have stumbled into the parking lot.
CUSTOMER #2
Somebody call the police! They shot up my car!
They scramble for cover or guns; the new concentration in that direction allows Pseu and Alpan to collect their thoughts.
PSEU
(to Alpan)
You go get the airship -- I'll cover you! Now, now, now!
Alpan half crawls, half runs for a spot halfway between them and xyz as Pseu jumps out of her hiding place, unleashing a dozen blasts. Chiz, Aron and xyz all return fire.
Alpan makes it to her airship safely and quickly opens the door before falling inside.
ARON
Give it up, Xavier -- it's two and two against one -- you
can't make it out alive!
XYZ
I seem to be holding my own!
A line of shots rips across the asphalt near Aron.
Alpan's airship lurches forward and begins drifting toward the center of the mayhem. Suddenly all guns except Pseu's aim in that direction.
xyz rapidly changes clips and begins to unload the entire thing at the ship. Alpan attempts to steer the thing with her head below the window as glass begins to crumble on her hair.
Chiz, realizing the ladies are probably going to make it, grabs Emerald's hand and half-drags her toward his own airship.
Alpan brings the ship to a hovering halt in front of Pseu, using the vehicle as a shield from the flames their opponents are firing at them. She kicks the door open and Pseu grabs Aurora, fires a couple of random shots, then shoves Aurora inside before crawling in herself.
Alpan fires at Aron and xyz several times while Pseu leans across her to grab the controls. The ship begins to lift into the air.
XYZ
Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuck!
He leaves his cover and rambles through the parking lot toward his own cruiser while firing shots at the ship and attempting to duck Aron's shots.
Meanwhile, Chiz's airship is drifting in Aron's direction while blasting away at xyz and Alpan's ship.
It comes to a stop just above Aron, who takes a look around before leaping into the air and grabbing the bottom landing gear, then holds on while the ship lifts into the air.
xyz makes it to his ship before anybody can take him out and within seconds he's off, too.
In between being shot at, Emerald helps pull Aron inside the ship.
Now the chase has moved to the air.
EXT. AIR SPACE ABOVE BOWFIN--DAY
Alpan's ship rips through the Martian air, followed closely by Aron's ship, with xyz still lagging behind.
Heavy gunfire blasts zip out of all three ships as they attempt to out-finagle each other with quick banks and impossible drops.
INT. ARON'S AIRSHIP--DAY
Chiz is steering the ship while Aron is in control of the rear guns. Emerald watches through the window as the action unfurls.
EMERALD
What good is blowing them out of the sky going to do you?
You might not even have a body left to collect the "dead"
reward!
CHIZ
I'm not trying to blow up the ship! I'm just trying to
clip their wings in hope of a crash landing!
Suddenly the ship shakes with a major flame blast. Chiz looks over at Aron, who's in control of the rear guns.
CHIZ (CONTD)
Hey!
ARON
That one slipped by me! xyz must have brushed up on his
piloting skills since he left the partnership! I don't
remember him being this good!
CHIZ
Well, he's got the upper hand because he's the last one --
nobody's blasting him from behind!
ARON
You've got a point there. Maybe we should --
CHIZ
I don't know about that, man -- I don't think he cares
whether Aurora's dead or alive! He might not be trying
just to clip their wings!
EMERALD
I thought you didn't care either.
CHIZ
I care about my two point five million dollars I'd be
losing if I had to drag her burnt-up carcass in to Jim!
ARON
Look, I don't think we have any choice -- we're fucking
sandwhiched here, man! They're coming from the front,
they're coming from the rear -- eventually we're either
going to get vomited on or shat on!
Chiz checks out his radar controls, then looks out the windows.
CHIZ
Yeah, you're probably right -- and he doesn't have anybody
to help him out if he's in the middle. We'll probably
knock him out of the sky in ten seconds! Hold on!
EXT. AIR ABOVE BOWFIN FORUM--DAY
Suddenly Chiz's ship loses altitude rapidly and plunges toward the ground. xyz's ship starts to follow them, then straightens up and continues on Alpan's trail.
Chiz pulls out of the descent and does a complete circle to get behind xyz. Flame missiles, largely absent from Chiz & Aron's repartee before, begin whooshing from the ship toward xyz.
INT. ALPAN'S SHIP--DAY
In their ship, Alpan is still at the controls while Pseu mans the guns. Aurora watches from nearby.
PSEU
Shit! They swapped places!
ALPAN
Is that good or bad?
PSEU
How the hell should I know?
They both look at Aurora. She shrugs.
INT. XYZ'S SHIP--DAY
xyz is indeed controlling both the ship and the guns by himself.
XYZ
Those sorry fucks! Who do they think they are? Some sort
of modern day Robin Hood?
He presses buttons to engage his anti-missile artillery.
EXT. AIR OVER BOWFIN--DAY
No longer able to concentrate on knocking Alpan and Pseu out of the sky, xyz begins evasive maneuvers to avoid the missiles -- after each one scrapes by, he blasts it with his guns.
Alpan's ship takes advantage of the situation and rapidly changes course.
xyz apparently loses track of where they are and keeps heading in the same direction, dodging missiles all the way.
INT. ARON'S SHIP--DAY
ARON
(to Chiz)
They're heading north now!
CHIZ
I can see that! Fuck xyz -- if we both concentrate on the
girls' wings, I bet we can get 'em!
ARON
All right, but we gotta do it in a hurry!
EXT. AIR OVER BOWFIN--DAY
Chiz's airship rapidly banks and leaves xyz temporarily to his own devices. All guns from Chiz' ship begins firing on the girls' ship as it begins to make quirky moves.
Nobody seems to notice the police cruiser thousands of meters behind them.
xyz blasts the last missile and straightens his ship up -- though far behind, he's back in the chase.
INT. ALPAN'S SHIP--DAY
ALPAN
(in general)
Just like a man: no matter how many times you reject his
advances, he just -- won't -- go -- away!
She begins lighting up the sky behind them with a new round of blasts.
INT. ARON'S SHIP--DAY
Aron is concentrating hard on his monitor.
ARON
...steady... steady...
CHIZ
I'm doing the best I can!
The ship suddenly starts shaking from more fire and Chiz checks his monitor.
CHIZ
Fuck! xyz's back!
ARON
...not now... almost got it...
EMERALD
Can I do something?
CHIZ
(pointing)
Take that rear cannon and keep that asshole off our backs!
Emerald rushes to the controls and does as she is told.
EXT. AIR OVER BOWFIN--DAY
Blasts begin soaring from the rear of Chiz' ship. xyz is doing his best to shoot and not be shot at the same time.
Meanwhile, Alpan makes a big mistake and leaves the ship level for a second too long --
INT. ARON'S SHIP--DAY
ARON
Got it!
He presses and holds the trigger.
EXT. AIR OVER BOWFIN--DAY
A stream of blasts rips through the right wing of Alpan's ship -- a large chunk of it falls off. It begins to plunge.
INT. ALPAN'S SHIP--DAY
Pseu, Alpan and Aurora all scream as their ship jerks out of control.
EXT. AIR OVER BOWFIN--DAY
Alpan's ship begins to tumble from the sky toward a wooded area. Around the same time, Chiz decreases his speed for some reason -- and xyz's ship collides right into them.
Chiz' and xyz's ship follows Alpan's toward the ground.
INT. ARON'S SHIP--DAY
Everyone in the ship is holding on for dear life.
ARON
Should we bail?
CHIZ
I think I've got enough control to crash-land it somewhere
near Pseu and Alpan! Just hang on!
EXT. AIR OVER BOWFIN--DAY
Alpan's ship smashes into the treetops, then after skiing along the ground for several seconds, comes to a harmless halt in front of a giant oak tree.
Less than ten seconds later Chiz's ship plunges straight down a few dozen yards away, barely slowing down enough right before hitting the ground to prevent a major explosion.
Shortly after that xyz's ship skips off hard ground a quarter of a mile away, then actually rolls a few hundred feet until it stops (upside down) within yards of the other ships.
For what seems like a long time, nothing at all happens other than smoke rising from the vehicles.
Suddenly xyz smashes through his front windshield, bleeding like crazy, but wielding a semi-automatic flame pistol.
XYZ
Come on out, I've got you all now!
ARON (O.S.)
Wrong, fucker! We've got you!
xyz spins around to see Aron and Chiz behind him, guns aimed at him. Emerald stands harmlessly nearby.
PSEU (O.S.)
You're both wrong -- we've got the bunch of you!
All four spin around to see Pseu and Alpan standing behind them, with pistols aimed at them and Aurora between the two.
CHIZ
(shaking his gun)
No, we've got you!
XYZ
(cocks trigger)
No, I've got you!
ALPAN
(sneering)
No, we've got you!
ARON
Uh-uh -- we've got you!
If appropriate, this continues for another round or two, until:
SHERIFF MUCUS (O.S.)
Every damn one of ya fuckers is wrong -- we've got all of
you!
The five bounty hunters and two victims wheel around in the direction of the heavily Southern, deep, twangy voice.
The words came from a man who's not even holding a gun.
But his twenty or so deputies that surround them are.
ALL BOUNTY HUNTERS
(ad-libs)
Oh, shit...
Guns clatter to the ground and hands go up in the air.
EXT. BOWFIN WOODS NEAR INTERSTATE--DAY
All of the bounty hunters, Aurora and Emerald are shackled up and sitting next to one of many police airships in the area. SHERIFF MUCUS, a nasty, dangerous-looking lawman, finishes talking to one of his officers who's typing a report and swaggers over to the magnificent seven.
SHERIFF MUCUS
You pieces of out-of-town shit. Comin' into my goddamn
territory like this. Ya'll shot up one of my diners...
half the vehicles there... even nicked a customer --
ARON
You mean I didn't kill him?
SHERIFF MUCUS
Who, Ronnie? Shit naw -- ya think ya'll's weak ass guns
from wherever the hell up north or Earth or wherever the
fuck ya'll from is gonna take down one of my hardy
residents? I don't think so. Ya'll got another thing
comin'. Now... who wants to be the first one to tell me
what the hell is going on with ya'll?
CHIZ
Look, man -- we're bounty hunters -- official, bonded
bounty hunters. These two girls have a ten million dollar
price on their heads. We --
SHERIFF MUCUS
Ten million dollar? Ten million dollar!
(stares at Aurora
& Emerald)
Who the hell are you -- Aurora Duckella?
(laughs)
AURORA
Yes.
SHERIFF MUCUS
(cracking up more)
Ya'll shittin' me!
Asian DEPUTY HOSHINO steps forward.
DEPUTY HOSHINO
No, sir -- I don't think they is, sir. She looks exactly
like all the picture I seen, sir.
SHERIFF MUCUS
Ya don't say...
ARON
...anyway, we caught them fair and square and were bringing
them back to collect when these assholes jumped us at that
diner and tried to steal them from us --
PSEU
Finders keepers, losers weepers!
ALPAN
Damn straight, Pseu!
XYZ
There ain't no law that says the first person that captures
a fugitive is the only one eligible to claim the reward!
CHIZ
Yeah, but --
SHERIFF MUCUS
If anybody knows the law around here, it's me! And... I
reckon he's right.
ARON
Oh, what the hell's it matter for xyz? We were the last
ones with Emerald and the girls were the last ones with
possession of Aurora -- he doesn't have any kind of fucking
claim!
SHERIFF MUCUS
Watch ya language 'round here, boy...
ARON
Sorry, sir. Anyway, five million bucks is still a lot of
moola.
(to Pseu & Alpan)
What do you say we turn in Aurora and Emerald together --
as a group -- and we split the reward four ways. That
sound fair to you?
Pseu and Alpan blink at one another.
PSEU
Sounds good to me.
ALPAN
What -- ever.
ARON
And we'll pay for all the damage we did to your territory
out of our reward money -- can't be more than a few hundred
thousand bucks.
CHIZ
So I guess we'll be on our way then --
SHERIFF MUCUS
Not so fast, boys. And girls. I guess you will be on your
way. As soon as you show me your bounty hunter licenses.
Pseu and Alpan blink at each other again before looking back at the Sheriff.
PSEU
Bounty hunter licenses?
ALPAN
You have to have some kind of permit to do this shit?
SHERIFF MUCUS
Oh, hell, yes. Otherwise you're just a bunch of shootin',
flamin' no-count outlaws fuckin' up my territory.
CHIZ
(to Aron)
Well -- looks like we're going to get the whole reward
after all! Show 'em our license, man!
ARON
Uh... I don't have it. It's probably in the ship... what's
left of it.
CHIZ
Yeah, but... are you sure you left it in there?
ARON
(suddenly remembering)
Oh, shit -- !
FLASHBACK -- FLANDERS HOTEL ROOM (EARLIER IN SCREENPLAY)
Biggles stands before Chiz and ARON while his guards hold onto Aurora and Emerald.
BIGGLES
...Don't patronize me, you little piece of crap! Lord
Bolischoy believes this could be a long war, and we need to
prepare ourselves for the future --
CHIZ
Okay, you crazy bastards -- we get the idea. But
unfortunately, these women are ours -- we're bounty hunters
(pulls out papers)
and we have rights even in the Confederacy! These women
are worth a lot of money --
END FLASHBACK.
ARON
(to Chiz)
Did you remember to bring our papers with you before you
blew up the room?
CHIZ
You idiot -- I had far more important things on my mind at
the time than some silly bounty hunter papers -- you know,
like blasting through a hundred Confederate guards!
ARON
You're calling me an idiot? 'Cause now we're screwed --
CHIZ
Why? It's just a piece of paper! It's not like there
aren't records of our licenses over in Stigmasta where we
got them -- we'll just call 'em and ask them to fax us a
copy --
DEPUTY HOSHINO
Good luck -- Stigmasta was sacked pretty hard by the
Alliance a couple of days ago. Most communications are
down over there anyway.
CHIZ
Sacked? You're kidding me! Shit!
ARON
(to the sheriff)
Look, just give us a couple of days -- hold the girls
for "collateral," we'll head over to Stigmasta, get our
licenses out of the rubble --
SHERIFF MUCUS
(to xyz)
Ya wouldn't happen to have a bounty hunter license on ya,
would ya?
ARON
Huh?
xyz reaches into his back pocket as best as he can with the handcuffs, smiles, and yanks out a piece of paper.
The sheriff waddles over to him and examines the paper closely. Then he motions for his men to take the shackles off xyz.
CHIZ
Wait a minute -- what the --
ARON
What the hell are you doing?
SHERIFF MUCUS
The only fair thing to do -- he's got a license, so he's
the only one of you whose dick belongs in the hole --
ARON
But we told you -- we've got a license, we just got to go
get it --
SHERIFF MUCUS
I ain't got time for that shit -- book 'em, boys --
PSEU
(to Aron & Chiz)
Tough luck.
ALPAN
Yeah, too bad.
The deputies start dragging Chiz and Aron toward the cruisers.
CHIZ
Hold on a fucking second here -- !
Sheriff Mucus kicks the hell out of Chiz's ribs.
SHERIFF MUCUS
I told ya'll about ya'll's fucking mouths!
He tosses an electronic key to xyz as he stands up, a free man. The sheriff points at Aurora and Emerald.
SHERIFF
Here, boy -- that goes to the girls' locks. Don't forget
to come back to these here parts and pay your... rather
hefty fines.
XYZ
(grabs Aurora & Emerald)
Oh, I will, sir -- first thing!
SHERIFF MUCUS
Don't think I can't find ya -- I know Jimmy Duckella the
Third personally!
(to his men)
Let's get the rest of this scum down to the jail.
Chiz and Aron keep kicking and screaming protests all the way.
CHIZ
This is bullshit --
ARON
Completely asinine assholes --
CHIZ
Utter bullshit!
xyz laughs and laughs and laughs as he grabs his gun and guides the girls toward his busted ship.
EMERALD
You know, I still have to piss!
ARON
Go in your pants, you dumb bitch!
Chiz looks back at Aurora and she at him. They stare at each other longingly, with sad puppy dog eyes until they're dragged from each other's sight.
INT. BOWFIN THREAD JAIL TEMPORARY HOLDING AREA--DAY
While guards watch their every move, Aron is discussing the case with public defender L. R. TOPP while Chiz appears frustrated with his phone call.
L. R. TOPP
I've never lost a case and this one seems airtight --
they've got nothing against you.
ARON
Uh... yeah, they do. They have tons against us --
evidence, eyewitnesses, the fact that we don't have
licenses even now --
L. R. TOPP
Circumstantial, dude -- circumstantial!
ARON
(sighing)
Right...
L. R. TOPP
Trust me, buddy -- we can't lose!
INT. BOWFIN COURTROOM--DAY
JUDGE DAN CINCINNATI slams his gavel down.
JUDGE CINCINNATI
Guilty!
Chiz and Aron, who are standing beside L. R. Topp on the defendant's side of the courtroom, both give their lawyer a disgusted look. The prosecutor on the other side punches the air while courtroom observers, including Sheriff Mucus, appear pleased.
L. R. TOPP
Well, there's a first time for everything, boys! I'll
start filing appeals right now! Of course, because I've
never had to do that before, I may not be very good at it...
ARON
(to Chiz, low voice)
Well, it's just "bounty hunting with a license" -- what
could that possibly net us? A thousand dollar fine and a
couple of nights in jail?
JUDGE CINCINNATI
I sentence each of you to fifty thousand years in prison!
ARON & CHIZ
What!
CHIZ
This is bullshit -- !
ARON
For not having a license? What kind of crock is this -- !
CHIZ
Utter bullshit!
The court bailiffs start dragging them toward the door.
CHIZ
(to judge, slyly)
Can we at least go to the same prison as the girls?
JUDGE CINCINNATI
If that was possible, don't you think I would have
sentenced myself to life in prison by now?
The sheriff watches as they're being dragged by him.
SHERIFF MUCUS
Good-bye, boys -- it's all over for ya now! Ain't nobody
ever broken outta my prison! But you're welcome to try!
Heh heh heh...
Aron rolls his eyes and Chiz groans as they're dragged through the double doors in the back of the courtroom.
ARON
(to Chiz)
Looks like you might be sucking cock for a whole lot less
than a hundred million bucks now!
The doors close.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE TO:
INT. DUCKELLA MANSION--DAY
JDIV is looking out his window as xyz and a couple of Duckella guards parade Aurora and Emerald up the walkway toward the front door of the house. JDIII walks up behind him and peers out the window as well.
JDIII
Looks like we're going to have a lot of interesting
visitors today.
(a beat)
You better keep your bitch under control this time. Surely
I set a good example with your mother.
JDIV crosses his heart in the Catholic style.
JDIV
Yeah...
Several other guys, a couple of them wearing Alliance uniforms, incidentally follow xyz's bunch toward the house at a distance.
JDIII
When you and Nick finish greeting your wife and her
friends, I want you guys in my meeting with those Alliance
reps. You need to get more involved with business. All you
do all day is play games and drink. It's about time you
grew up. Ya understand me?
JDIV nods as his father walks away.
INT. MAIN LOBBY OF DUCKELLA MANSION--DAY
When the Duckella guards open the door for xyz, Aurora and Emerald, JDIV and Nick are already standing on the other side of the door. Aurora already knows what's coming.
JDIV slaps her hard across the face. She barely flinches.
Nick gives Emerald a most sinister look.
NICK
(to guards)
Take her down to the dungeon -- I mean, the basement.
As they do so, JDIV reaches out to shake xyz's hand.
INT. JAMES DUCKELLA III'S MEETING ROOM--DAY
GRUNDLE, the primary Alliance representative, sits across the table from JDIII. Guards stand behind each of them.
GRUNDLE
You don't think two billion for the entire forum is
reasonable?
JDIII
It's certainly a better place to start negotiations than
the Confederacy's first offer.
GRUNDLE
I don't know how much I would be trusting the Confederacy
to do what it says it's going to do. After all, Stroker
said he had no interest in attacking the Alliance.
JDIII
I'm a gangster, Mr. Grundle. You let me worry about who I
should and shouldn't trust.
(turns on big screen)
Now let's assess the worth of this forum together, shall we?
INT. PRISON KITCHEN--DAY
Chiz and Aron are helping several other prisoners prepare the day's lunch while guards keep a close eye on the knives.
CHIZ
Man -- seems like this fifty thousand year sentence is
going to drag on forever.
ARON
We've been here for six days. Shut the hell up.
CHIZ
What's up your ass? Nevermind -- it's a prison. I don't
wanna know!
ARON
I'm still pissed that I'm standing here whacking up some
potatoes when I could have been off in some tropical forum,
whacking off to some topless chicks on the beach with my
cool five million. What the hell got into you? "I gotta
get my money from Jim." You lovesick bitch.
CHIZ
I am not lovesick! It was just the principle of the thing!
ARON
Well, you're going to have fifty thousand years to think
about principles, all right! Jesus...
INT. PRISON ENTERTAINMENT ROOM--DAY
Aron and Chiz are among the dozens sitting around the one small TV set in the entertainment room. It's currently set on the television news, which primarily appears to be war coverage.
NEWS ANCHOR
...still no Earth nations have expressed a desire to
intervene, with most world leaders agreeing that the war
could very well be over by the time their military forces
actually reach Mars. It would also take time for the
troops to adapt to Mars's nitrogen-poor, low pressure
atmosphere and substantially weaker gravitational pull.
The Prime Minister of West Afghanistan said that the humans
who live on Mars and the humans who live on earth are
practically two different species now. Last night's
fighting leaves the casualty total for this conflict at
just under one hundred thousand for all involved.
The footage switches back to the Anchor herself.
NEWS ANCHOR (CONTD)
On a lighter note, the latest exploits of Bowfin playboy
xyz...
Suddenly Chiz and Aron sit straight up and their eyes open wide as they watch xyz hobnob with the Bowfin rich and famous at a party on the lawn of the Duckella estate.
ARON
Holy shit...
ANCHOR (V.O.)
...he's been a guest on the Duckella estate since he
brought heiress Aurora Duckella back to the loving hands of
her husband James the Fourth --
CHIZ
"Loving"? He doesn't love her, you fucking lying idiots --
!
ANCHOR (V.O.)
-- after xyz saved her from a kidnapping and ransom plot
hatched by Aurora's lawyer, Emerald Daz.
FOOTAGE is shown of Emerald, bound and gag, in the "basement."
ANCHOR (V.O.)
Sheriff Mucus is allowing her to be held on the Duckella
mansion until her trial. xyz ended up being the one
collecting a "ransom," as there was a ten million dollar
reward for the capture and return of the young women --
ARON
That's bullshit! That should be our money! Motherfucker!
Chiz looks longingly at the TV as Aurora is shown arm-in- arm with JDIV as she enters a building. She's smiling, barely.
ARON (CONTD)
Goddamn it -- I bet he's already put every dime of that
money he hasn't spent into his bank account and now we'll
never get it --
CHIZ
(breaking trance)
Wait -- wait! The bank system is all fucked up because of
the war. He probably took it all in cash to protect it. I
bet he's hiding it somewhere in that guesthouse.
ARON
Shit, I bet you're right! Goddamn, we need to get the fuck
out of here! Preferably earlier than fifty thousand years
from now!
INT. CHIZ & ARON'S CELL--NIGHT
They're both sitting on a bed, appearing to be deep in thought.
ARON
Maybe we could dig a tunnel through the wall to the other
side --
CHIZ
You've been watching too many old Earth movies. Apparently
that would take us twenty years anyway, and I think xyz
just might move before then!
ARON
Well, shit -- I'm all out of ideas...
Suddenly there's a lot of commotion outside, some yards away: KICKING BARS, YELLING (protests), MEAT-POPPING, etc.
A few seconds later they watch as some prison guards drag a big, subdued prisoner by their door.
PRISON GUARD 1
It's back to isolation, buddy.
PRISON GUARD 2
That better be the last fuckin' time we catch you stickin'
our good cookin' utensils up your ass before you make the
warden's meal!
Aron and Chiz barely even blink.
They think some more.
Then suddenly Aron looks up as if he has an inkling of an idea.
ARON
Hey... remember when we were in isolation a couple days ago
for sneezing on those guards?
CHIZ
Yeah...
ARON
I'm thinkin'...
INT. ISOLATION CELL--DAY
Aron is thrown into the cell and he stumbles over to the other wall. The cell gate is locked behind him.
ARON
You sorry bums! I don't deserve this shit!
CHIZ (O.S.)
(barely audible)
A man's got a right to stick kitchen utensils up his ass!
Aron sits down on the floor of the ridiculously small cell and appears to relax.
INT. CHIZ'S ISOLATION CELL--DAY
Chiz grins and does the same thing in preparation for sleep.
EXT. ARON'S ISOLATION CELL--A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER
Two isolation guards walk up to Aron's cell, and one of them unlocks the door and...
...and his eyes open wide at the sight of an empty cell.
ISOLATION GUARD 1
What in the hell...?
The other guard checks his electronic clipboard.
ISOLATION GUARD 2
Yeah, there's definitely supposed to be somebody in here.
Let me check the one next door.
The second guard moves over to Chiz's cell and unlocks it while the first guard steps all the way inside Aron's cell to take a closer look around --
-- and that's when Aron falls from the ceiling and pummels the guard to the floor. He punches him in the head a couple of times to make sure he's out, then begins ripping at his clothes.
ISOLATION GUARD 2 (O.S.)
Damn -- I don't see anybody in here, either -- OOOMPH!
And there's a CLATTER on the floor in Chiz's cell.
INT. PRISON EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE HALLWAY--DAY
Aron and Chiz are wearing the isolation guards' uniforms and quietly steal down the hallway without speaking a word to any other guards or even looking up from the floor as they keep their hat brims' low and over their faces.
EXT. PRISON EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE--DAY
Aron and Chiz walk into the parking lot and begin looking around. Aron walks over to a nice-looking car and positions his elbow to break through the glass.
ARON
I hope you know how to hotwire one of these models.
CHIZ
You really think it's a good idea to steal a car from a
prison parking lot?
ARON
You got any better ideas?
CHIZ
Well, I dunno...
Just then two very attractive women dressed in guard uniforms walks by yards away without paying attention to Chiz or Aron.
CHIZ (CONTD)
Yeah, maybe -- just hold on...
He runs after the women.
CHIZ (CONTD)
Hey, ladies -- beautiful young ladies, I was wonderin' if
you could help me and my buddy out -- our car won't start
and -- and --
That's about the time the women finally stop, turn around and look at Chiz and Aron.
All four of them are completely shocked at the sight of the other group, for the "female guards" are in fact Pseu and Alpan.
The women check out Chiz's and Aron's guard uniforms and Pseu finally smiles.
PSEU
I guess great minds think alike.
CHIZ
Well, hell, I guess so.
ARON
(to Alpan & Pseu)
So you girls also knocked out some guards and took their
uniforms?
ALPAN
No, actually we just had a threeway with a loser male guard
and he pretty much gave us everything we wanted.
She shakes a set of car keys in Aron's face and grins.
ARON
Funny, that was our backup plan.
(sighs)
You know, this rivalry between us has proved to be
detrimental to all of our interests. What do you say we
just all partner up as one group and --
PSEU
Excuse me, but we're the ones that have car keys. I don't
see what advantage we'd gain by teaming up with you guys
and splitting half the money.
CHIZ
The advantage you'd gain is our bounty hunting experience.
You girls don't know what the fuck you're doing!
ALPAN
Hey, we got ourselves out of prison, didn't we?
CHIZ
What, you're going to fuck your way all the way to xyz's
fortune?
ALPAN
Why the hell not?
PSEU
(to Alpan)
He's right. We have to break into the Duckella mansion,
for God's sake. We could use as much help as we can get.
ALPAN
(sighing)
Fine. What the fuck ever.
PSEU
(to Chiz & Aron)
Four ways?
CHIZ
Did you say "four ways" or "fourway"?
ARON
(to girls)
Either way, we'll take it!
Pseu extends her hand toward Chiz and Aron and they each take turns shaking it.
Then the guys follow the girls as they run to the car whose keys they managed to snag.
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