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(I posted "Bounty Hunters" on a screenplay evaluation site, and this is the first review I've gotten):
Character
Despite having such a large number of characters, each managed to be distinct, with their very clearly defined personalities. It’s particularly smart the way everybody is paired off with someone (Chiz/Aron, Emerald/Ararua, Pseu/Alpan) and that does allow for some enjoyable banter. The characters may be comic book-y, but for this story, it works. No real complaints there.
Writing
The writing is mostly great. The dialogue is definitely vulgar at times, but also very, very funny. A certain lengthy discussion during one point in the screenplay springs to mind.
Where it does lose a mark is in author intrusions.
Page 11:
“A mysteriously dressed man who had been sitting near the bounty hunter duo at the bar rises from his seat and lifts the brim of his hat so we can see his face.”
Page 21:
“We look at it from above, on what seems like just another quiet, busy day.”
Don’t say “we see/hear” or anything like that. Just say what you want the audience to see and hear. Cut down those barriers between the readers’ imaginations and the events of the story. Don’t remind them that this is just a screenplay.
Page 73:
“If appropriate, this continues for another round or two, until:”
“If appropriate...”?! It’s up to you (at this point in the creative process, at least) to decide whether the exchange continues. You decide.
Plot
The plot didn’t seem to stop at all – it just kept moving at an incredible rate. It was packed with action, humor and incident. It was really well constructed, and I was never scratching my head, thinking, “Now why is that happening.” All this without there being any boring old “connect the dots”-style expository scenes.
My only complaint would be the ending [I cut this out because it spoils something if you haven't read the screenplay yet, but you'll know what he's talking about if you do read it] I wasn’t expecting things to end on not such a somber note. Tonally it was a bit of shift from what I felt was, as a whole, a comedic piece of writing. Okay, who says a comedy can’t have a little dramatic weight to it, right? But it did seem out of place to me. [PS: This is the #1 complaint I get on ALL of my screenplays: Tonal shifts at the very end. But, hey, that's life, right?]
Cinematic Quality
This has great potential as a cinematic experience, with some neat locations and action sequences. It could be quite a visually rich movie-going experience. Jungles on Mars? Never seen anything quite like that before.
Originality
The story isn’t hugely original – it’s a deliberate attempt at making a trashy, B-movie-style spectacle, and it works. All the elements are here; vile villains, scantily clad females, ridiculous shoot-out sequences...and a brilliantly nutty police chief. It just has that appropriate level of tastelessness.
Overall
It really is a very enjoyable read, very rude, very funny, and featuring a non-stop parade of action sequences. As I said, those intrusions that are made in the main text need to be dealt with (though admittedly they don’t detract that much from the writing), but otherwise this is a neat screenplay that I’d pay to see as a movie. It would make a change from the more serious and worthy science fiction/fantasy franchises out there like “Star Wars”, “The Matrix” and “The Lord of the Rings”.
Thanks for reading this review, and I hope it’s useful – the truth is there’s little wrong with your screenplay. If you have any complaints, feel free to let me know so that they can be addressed.
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