The Virgin Suicides

Bomb Rating: 

I know Sofia Coppola is the daughter of Francis Ford Coppola, but I think she ought to take up another hobby, like marbles or crochet. It appears that the genes she got from her father were the ones he used to make "Jack."

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for belittling Jesus in the name of entertainment, but did the story of the fated Lisbon sisters (Kirsten Dunst, Hanna Hall, Chelse Swain, A.J. Cook, and Leslie Hayman) have to be so pedantic? The boys who worship the Lisbon girls conclude at the end that they never solved the mystery of why the girls killed themselves -- while I'm sitting there wishing the boys would kill themselves too, given how clueless they are.

Mrs. Lisbon (Kathleen Turner) is a bible-thumping freak and like most bible-thumping freaks, she turns her husband (James Woods) into a dickless weasel and her daughters into trapped wolves who'd rather chew off their own feet than live under her. There's no mystery here unless you've been lobotomized.

Sofia Coppola wrote and directed this film, which means twice the failure. Her direction reminded me of her acting in "Godfather 3," a performance that had every critic in America pondering whether she'd look better in a Burger King or a McDonald's uniform -- but all the while knowing that such justice could only take place in an alternate universe where her father's a regular schmo. The writing reminds one of a girl composing poetry on the side of the bathroom stall. Her direction is similarly numbing. Every scene drags on as though it will never end. Fortunately, the girls kill themselves and it does.

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