Volcano

Bomb Rating: 

"Save my dog!"

If "Volcano" is any indication, the day isn't too far off when writing can be completely eliminated from the filmmaking process. Exactly how long was the script for this movie anyway? Two pages? Even when the script weighs in at a mere two pages, you would have to assume the phrase "people run away from lava" appears in every other sentence. That's the whole film. 99.9999% of the budget was given to some special effects company while the other .0001% (the cost of a banana) was given to a chimp with a crayon to select from a list of lines:

"It's really hot down here."
"Why is it so hot down here?"
"Oh my God."
"I'm burning up."
"I'm on fire."
"Put out that fire."
"Is that lava?"
"Get out of the way!"
"Get out of the way! Fast!"
"Get out of the way! Fast! It's hot lava!"
"It's hot lava! Get out of the way!"
"Fast! It's hot lava! Get out of the way!"
"Save my dog!"

If nothing else, "Volcano" can claim to have one-upped "Dante's Peak" by saving two dogs instead of one. Undoubtedly, this was due to the overachieving nature of director Mick ("The Bodyguard") Jackson, who also felt the need to throw in some politically correct racial messages in the guise of such things as a kindergartner reading his first-ever paper on "How to Play Nice."

If Hollywood ever wants to make a decent disaster flick, it might consider, in addition to hiring a writer or two, retaining someone who has even the slightest understanding of science. Among the most far-fetched of "Volcano's" blunders is a guy who leaps off a train and into about a foot of lava, then throws another guy to safety. Naturally, this heroic individual dies, but he dies by melting into the lava as if he were the Wicked Witch from "The Wizard of Oz." Was I off the planet when they started making humans out of Play-Doh? Perhaps that chimp was also the science consultant.

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