Watching "Walking Tall" is an experience akin to watching that guy who tied weather balloons to his lawn chair and ended up floating over LAX. You can't help but wonder how anybody ever thought it was a good idea. The more you watch, the more your jaw begins to drop like a broken nutcracker and drool begins to collect in little pools around your feet.

In this remake, Chris Vaughn (The Rock) returns home from Special Forces duty to find the old mill closed and a casino in the middle of town. Naturally, it's no secret that when the old mill closes, mass depravity and rabble-rousing hicks aren't far behind.

If the casino ruining the town wasn't bad enough, it turns out that its owner, Jay Hamilton, Jr. (Neal McDonough), was Chris's high school football nemesis. By the end of the film, there's so much manhood to be reclaimed, it's a miracle it doesn't end with a Promise Keepers' rally.

The Rock's best friend is Johnny Knoxville, whose appearance screams "walking punch line" so loud I became tense waiting for him to dive into a pile of elephant feces. Fans of legal drama may want to take note as this film contains the most idiotic courtroom scene in cinema history. Not only does The Rock argue his own case and win, he employs some tactics I haven't seen since kindergarten puppet theater, only this time it's The Rock who needs to take a time out.