The Warrior's Way

Bomb Rating: 

Carnies versus ninjas versus cowboys. An idea which might have sounded good after a three-day bender, but one which ultimately falls short on delivery.

Carnies versus ninjas versus cowboys. An idea which might have sounded good after a three-day bender, but one which ultimately falls short on delivery in the form of "The Warrior's Way," yet another misguided and forgettable vehicle for an Asian film star that American film audiences will never be convinced to care about.

First of all, the movie was directed by Sngmoo Lee, the man behind such other illustrious films as "I'd like to buy a vowel," and "Yankees Can't Pronounce This Shit." Actually, this was his first ever movie, and given that he shares his first name with a Muppet I am impressed that he can even get through the day without sobbing uncontrollably or attempting to murder his parents.

Not impressed enough, however, to like his shitty movie. I'm sorry, but there's no real way to redeem a film that stars a midget, a misplaced blonde waif with a penchant for knife fighting and a drunken sharpshooter who all come together in the end to make a final stand against the forces of darkness. The whole thing just hit too close to home – it was almost like Lee had been a fly on the wall at my last family reunion, which conveniently takes place every Friday night in our local county jail's violent offenders wing.

Throw in a hastily assembled and vaguely mystical Chinese back-story, told entirely through jarring flashbacks that at one point include a scene where a puppy is – I shit you not – murdered by a child with a sword, and you can start to see where Sngmoo went wrong. 

Hopefully, "The Warrior's Way" will be a lesson to the seemingly endless torrent of would-be blockbuster directors who really should be programming Flash games but instead somehow end up at the helm of a production with millions of dollars to burn on clowns that throw dynamite and ninjas that can defy the laws of physics. But it probably won't, and therefore we can all look forward to future gems such as "The Warrior's Way Too: Look Who's Warrioring Now" and "The Warrior's Way: Tokyo Drift."

As a side note, for anyone keeping track of Kate Bosworth's vocational death spiral, well, I think a carnie/kung-fu/cowboy movie pretty much marks the low spot of what could have once been a sparkling career in the adult industry. Unless she decides to take her foray into Asian filmmaking one step further and do a bukkake movie. You know, like Lindsay Lohan did to pay off American Express, only this time with fewer freckles.

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Oh, well

FearlessFreep's picture

A movie where a kid kills a puppy can't be ALL bad!

My favorite line in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE was the Chief from GET SMART asking Sal Mineo, "What made you kill those puppies?"

 

"A blonde waif with a penchant for knife fighting"

RidingFool's picture

If she's Puerto Rican, I just might know her.

A drunken sharpshooter could never hit a midget in a dwarf-tossing event in the dim recesses of my local bar.

Does the midget fuck the waif?

Wulfgar's picture

I'd pay to see that.

 

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~There ain't no Devil, there's just God when He's drunk.~

 

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