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TEN WORST MOVIES
1. Battlefield Earth -- the only good thing I can say about this movie is that it wasn't quite as bad as "Wing Commander"
2. Nutty Professor 2 -- you have to have a pretty damn low IQ to find anything remotely funny about the gross-out gags in this movie, and the positive noble aspects of the original were suddenly flushed down the toilet
3. Big Momma's House -- this grotesque yawn-fest of a $100M grosser will definitely win my "Some People Will Pay to See Anything" award for 2000
4. Bless the Child -- this movie annoys me more each time I watch it -- Basinger's hilarious "death tumble" is worth three or four sticks of Cranky's dynamite alone
5. The In-Crowd -- I can't figure out which was dumber: the script or the young pretty actors
6. Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle -- watch me pull a silly script out of my ass, Rocky! (Sorry, Drew)
7. The Replacements -- what made this movie bad enough for the top 10 is that I can't even figure out why it was made, much less why Reeves and Hackman were involved with it
8. Screwed -- save yourself the six bucks and watch MacDonald's TV show -- it's many times funnier anyway
9. Bring It On -- Up until this point, I was basically inline with the other critics, including Cranky -- then for some reason he went and gave this two bombs and critics around the country showered this thing with "one of the biggest surprises of the year!" WERE WE EVEN WATCHING THE SAME MOVIE?!?! Just to make sure I didn't just lose MY mind, I asked for opinions from TEENAGE GIRLS leaving the auditorium, and most of them agree with me -- this is one STUPID movie. (Yet that doesn't stop them from coming back week after week after week after week...)
10. (tie) Jason Biggs' yet to be completed disaster trilogy of "Boys and Girls," "Loser" and "Prozac Nation" -- I swear I couldn't tell the difference between "B&G" and "Loser" (perhaps because I was asleep during most of both of them)
***I reserve the right to add "Highlander: Endgame" to this list, as soon as I see it!
Dishonorable Mention:
Godzilla 2000 --actually worse than all the above put together from a filmmaking standpoint -- but unlike all of the above, the Godzilla guys weren't SERIOUS ("Maybe it's because... Godzilla is in each of us." OH LORD!)
Dinosaur -- I can't really say it's worse than any of the 10-12 above, but it's certainly not good in any aspect and a major blow to computer animation
What Lies Beneath -- originally in the top 10 worst but then "Bring It On" came along... I'm tired of fighting with women over this one anyway (I've been arguing with them all August, both in real life and on the net). Take your damn stupid "scary" movie and shove it! (This movie aggravates me more than any other movie so far this year because for some reason it is STILL MAKING MONEY!!!)
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENTS
The Patriot -- it's no "Braveheart," that's for sure; however, what did I expect from Roland Emmerich (the king of cliché action movies) and Robert Rodat (who wrote a crappy "Saving Private Ryan" script that Spielberg turned into a masterpiece)? I wanted to like this movie SOOOOO badly, but I lost all remaining hope (and respect) after Ledger's girlfriend gave that "rousing" church speech. The biggest problem is not the melodrama or the clichés or the silly slow motion or the annoying music playing through every battle scene except for the best one, but the PACING, which may well be more Emmerich's or the producers' fault than Rodat's. One second everything's silly funny, next second there's a bloody battle scene, then there's a happy wedding, then innocent people are slaughtered, then everybody's laughing again, then everybody's dying again -- COME ON! You don't do that to a goddamn WAR EPIC! Especially not in the last third of it! Go check out "Saving Private Ryan" or "Glory" or "Platoon" or "Schindler's List" or "The Bridge Over The River Kwai" or "Last of the Mohicans" or "All Quiet On The Western Front" or "Braveheart" for that matter -- hell, even "Gone With The Wind." Pure relentless centrally focused drama and action from the middle to the end. I have no idea what these guys were thinking with "The Patriot" but may no one ever think it again.
Scary Movie -- The funniest trailer I have EVER seen. Unfortunately, much like last year's "Bowfinger," all the funniest stuff was in the trailer. A few more laughs were scattered among the sophomoric penis jokes.
Gladiator -- Yes, oddly, my # 1 movie of the summer is also on my biggest disappointments list. Perhaps my expectations for a "great movie" have been raised too high, I dunno. I already mentioned what all is wrong with this film. It MIGHT end up in my top 10 of the year, but it definitely wouldn't have been in my top 10 in 1998, maybe not even 1999.
Hollow Man -- Those were incredibly wicked trailers, yet the movie was not even up to Verhoeven's usual "stupidly intelligent" fun level. Just your run-of-the-mill action flick with some great effects.
Butterfly -- Supposedly this film was nominated for a million Goyas (the Spanish version of the Oscar). Not a bad movie, but it's definitely the second worst non-martial arts/monster foreign language movie I've ever seen (the French film TCP suckered me into, "Horseman on the Rooftop," is still worse), as it moves too slowly and has a dozen false plants and an unreasonable ending. I'd hate to see the other four contenders.
Saving Grace -- I don’t get the hype. It's not even as good as "Waking Ned Divine," which I wasn't all that impressed with
Time Code -- I hadn't heard much about this movie, nor was a big fan of any of the actors or the director (other than Figgis' "Leaving Las Vegas"), and what I did know about it sounded like a bunch of art school nonsense -- so how the hell was I disappointed when I finally saw it? Well, I wasn't, until half-way through when Salma Hayek had a ten minute long sex scene -- AND DIDN'T TAKE OFF HER GODDAMN CLOTHES AT ANY POINT DURING IT!!! DIE, MIKE FIGGIS, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!
BIGGEST SURPRISES
Autumn In New York -- The most brilliant move this year was made by MGM when they chose not to screen this movie, leading all of critics to think, "God, this must be as bad as 'Avengers' and 'Screwed'!" So when we finally did see it, most of us were surprised to discover that it wasn't horrible at all -- and gave it a more favorable rating than perhaps it deserved. Ryder actually acts for once in her storied career, and the cinematography and music are outstanding, but the story is pretty average.
The Kid -- The movie I feared the most this summer (well, besides "Pokemon 2000"). It's actually sort of a cute little "Christmas Carol In July" and the title character isn't anywhere near as annoying as he appears in the trailers.
Chicken Run -- Not having ever seen a Wallace and Gromit short, I personally didn't think this movie would amount to much from the trailers, but, boy, was I wrong.
Coyote Ugly -- I have no explanation for my pseudo- enjoyment of this film whatsoever -- but so far I've found almost no one that has argued with me about it, so why should I bother explaining myself?
Shanghai Noon -- Pretty average flick, but I seriously had my doubts that a Jackie Chan-Owen Wilson combination could accomplish even THAT much in a buddy action-comedy.
Pokemon 2000 -- Well, it didn't kill me -- that's surprising enough. I've seen most of it several times now and I still have no idea what the hell it's about (that's why I didn't review it).
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