With the sudden death of a heavy-set, emaciated yet somehow big-boned bimbo ripe in our collective consciousness, now seems the perfect time to address duality.

For the love of Christ on a bent stick, and after 6+ years of a combination of Darth Vader, Nurse Ratched, Bob Evil, and The Nun from the "Blues Brothers" running the show, why in the hell isn't EVERYONE trying to be a little bit more liberal-minded?

Do we all hate fun and each other that much? No, we don't. And I'll tell you why. We are, as Bill Maher put it, all "becoming a lot like Utah". We aren't lashing out against overt fascism and spoonfed moralism to become more liberal because at heart everyone already IS to some degree a froot-loop liberal AND hatefully conservative.

These two extremes naturally live within us all in varying degrees of harmony. How the inherent conflict manifests itself internally depends upon many, many things, such as an individual's upbringing, socio-economic status, and whether or not he was used as "the host" for a Catholic after-mass tickle-fight or she was taken to the woodshed by daddy after he lost big at the track. But it is not until someone else becomes involved in our duality that we are forced overtly to choose sides between joining either the heavy-breathing, anti-everything Taliban or an acid-dropping, soul-sucking love-in.

You see, alone we are all raging, narcissistic, self-loathing, fornicating, religious, self-abusing, charitable, gimme-gimme freaks. And don't let Sean Hannity or Al Franken tell you different. Those guys know it best. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they practiced mutual self-stimulation via videophone while each taking turns reading passages aloud from the other's "books" in their respective Lear jet and upper west side townhouse. I digress. Together we exist either stuck at the ends or somewhere in the crossfire between two poles, one being the self-righteous, regular gas-using, islamo-puritain-WASPY land of Conservatavia and the other being a self-righteous, unhindered-by-obligation romper room with all the crack, aborted fetii, and tofu you can handle. I hate both of these places and will call in the nukes as soon as I get the coordinates and have been crowned dictator for life. Then the Death Star...

The poles of Self Hatred and Hatred of Others are connected, like those of a bar magnet, by a sort of magnetic field. They are joined, forever and irrevocably, by our own self-righteousness. I mean, who in their right mind would EVER tell someone else what to do about ANYTHING that affects them not an IOTA, knowing full well that if the situation reversed there would be gunplay? No one, that's who. Therefore, our insatiable appetite for doing just that just goes to prove that we are "not just anyone" in our own minds. And if some poor bastard deems to screw with the Supreme Leader and Arbiter of Morals (I’m referring to you) by imposing his or her self-righteous Law, you can bet your insulin that you will immediately drop your crucifix or buddha, hit the low road and take dead aim on the family jewels. Warms the heart to picture it.

Goofy things such as laws, morals, taboos, NC-17 ratings, and 2AM closing times are in no way part and parcel of a grand plan for the next Utopia. Nope, they're handcuffs...without the pink fur. And they aren't for us, either- they're for THEM. And being the Grand Wizard of It All we (that would be you again – or me for that matter) can slap them on any liberal faggot-nigger-cracker-klansman- kike-towelhead-WASP who gets in the way of either our route to the belltower or our masturbating in tears to our own self-loathing.

So the next time you’re being self-righteous, take a look in the mirror, you may just see the person you want to kill.