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PART ONE: WORLD FALLS DOWN
CHAPTER ONE: Bizarro Crankyland
<"Didn't they have to be golfists," Wulfgar mutters.
He's currently perched in a tree, overlooking the Tri- County Goofy Golf and Driving Range. He's been observing the antics of two oddly familiar-looking characters that have been acting odd. There's a part of him that wants to race down there and bludgeon them immediately but he has taken pains to suppress it. Nonetheless, his skin is twitching with disgust.
One of the golfers spots a pair of figures coming up over the horizon. He turns to the smaller golfer, who nods approvingly. They walk towards the newcomers.
[Well,] Wulfgar thinks to himself, [this should be interesting.]
From his higher vantage point, Wulfgar had been aware of the new arrivals well before the golfers. They looked confused and frightened, as if they had just arrived in Bizarro Crankyland and wanted out now. That wasn't an unlikely theory; the Great Prophet Zarquon had explained that lots of people from different worlds were getting sucked into other worlds because of the decomposition of Space-Time.
Or something.
And then, of course, there was Lord Wreck's equally likely theory that Zarquon was the only living creature composed entirely of What Makes the Grass Grow Green.
The golfers meet the newcomers.
They exchange greetings and talk for a few minutes. Finally, the smaller golfer reaches into her backpack and hands the male newcomer a book.
A very thick book.
With an exploding volcano on the cover.
"Holy flirking snit," Wulfgar hisses. Then he drops from the tree, races to the rest of his team, and alerts them to what's on his mind.
"Scientologist golfers!"
"Wurr in a bad place today, me san."
"Yer a freakin' genius, mom."
"If yurr fatha was here, he'd scare these mental cases away with a look."
"I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THAT LITTLE BITCH!!!"
There is an uncomfortable pause.
"Okee."
The disarmingly nice lady golfing Scientologist approaches the interesting looking mother and son pair she and her accomplice have found.
"Greetings, soon-to-be fellow members of our kind," she begins, "are you comfortable? My friend didn't tie you to those trees too roughly, did he? Anyhow, here's a little video that will hopefully explain what we're all about."
"RRRRRGH!!!," says the male recruit, "You are a fool! I'll have you know that I am composed of the genetic material of the most dangerous creatures in Cyberspace! I've got weird and apparently totally random super powers! And I've the Oedipal complex from hell!"
"A-ha," says the golfing Scientologist, "right."
She pops "Battlefield Earth" into her little portable TV/VCR.
"Enjoy!" she shouts as she leaves them with the movie (if you can call it that).
"Shit," says the son.
"Eef you have dealt with yurr strange creation," says his mom, "than maybe you can forgeev yourr fatha?"
"NOOOO!!!!!"
"shhh!" says a new voice.
"Who aarr you?"
"Somebody who can't stand to see anyone have to sit through John Travolta's 'End of Career'."
There is a chopping and the ropes fall from around the trees.
"Now follow me, quietly."
They do.
Moments later, Lord Wreck is horrified to see Wulfgar followed by
"WHAT THE
"
That Guam Girl and Darker Conqueror!
"Holy F**KING demented plot twist," he screams, "what the hell are they doing here?"
"These two pathetic little creatures," Wulfgar begins with great drama, "were just barely rescued from having to suffer exposure to large amounts of creative masturbation."
Lord Wreck just stares at the two Conqueror-tainted individuals with complete incredulity.
"Ohhh ," he begins, sitting down very slowly, "Ohhh . Ohhhhh . Ohhhhh ."
Meanwhile, Kaoru-Dono has been staring at Darker Conqueror, and analyzing the situation carefully. Darker Conqueror has been meeting her gaze with the same evil, evil stare he's given every form of sentient life since Day One. She hums pensively, and finally addresses Lord Wreck.
"Do you think," she begins, "I mean, did it ever occur to you that these two freaks might know where Conqueror is?"
"I HATE THAT LITTLE F**K!!!" announces Darker Conqueror.
"Calm down there, Killer," says Mayor Bob, "and yes, I do believe K has a good point there."
Lord Wreck just emits a really low groan. He doesn't say a thing for a very long time.
"I guess ," and then he's interrupted by the golfing Scientologists.
"I knew they'd be here," says the male Scientologist, "I could sense their vestigial psychic vibes. Now if they'd join us, they'd be able to use their super brain powers to get over all the pain in their life."
"Yes," says his female accomplice, "by using their mind powers to alleviate pain, they won't feel pain anymore."
"Why," says Wulfgar, "do their voices sound so familiar?"
And then the two golfing Scientologists make their way into the clearing and he forgets everything.
He can hardly say the man's name, "Cardinal BIGGLES?"
"CLEAR Biggles," says the man who looks EXACTLY like Cardinal Biggles. Except not foaming at the mouth.
"And," now it's the Mayor's turn to turn very pale, "Violet Beuregard?"
"Hermione Granger," says the girl who looks just like Violet but blander, "now if you four don't mind returning our property, we'll be right on our way."
The combination of these two figures being golfers AND Scientologists AND grotesque parodies of two well-respected Crankizens is just about to push Wulfgar over the edge. But just when he's about to get extraordinarily violent, he notices a change in the sky.
"What the hell?"
Hell indeed.
And the Reality Storm rips into the landscape.
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