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PART TWO: PURGATORY
CHAPTER ONE: BIZARRO CRANKYLAND
<Conqueror is going to find himself at the very center of the upcoming two huge reality storms. Until then, he has a few more minutes of soul searching.
[There WAS good in you once, ol' boy,] this is what his damned brain has been trying to sort out over the course of the afternoon. [You DO remember your mentor, don't you?]
"Errrr…"
[His name was Lord Buckweaticus and he arrived in the middle of N'Dipindice Dai's largest tropical fruit storm to date with a strange set of travelers. I was but nine or so. They were literally blown into my house.
"Ma!" I'd shouted, "We've got our own circus in our house!"
"Did you befriend some random people in a junk yard and invited them to stay here until the storm passes," said my mom, "and assume that I'd be okay with this?"
"Yup."
"Okay."
And so Lord Buckweaticus, Dame T.W.E.P. and Emperor Wonderful entered House Furniture.
"Are you guys angels?"
I'd asked this of my guests over dinner.
"Behold!" Buckweaticus had answered, "the child hath mistook me for a heavenly being! Ah, sadly I must disappoint the imagination of the lad, as I am several things. But nay, I cannot count angel among them."
"MY HOVERCRAFFT IZ FULLA EEEEEELZZZZ!!!!!" the Emperor had answered.
"Yeah, sure kid, I'm an angel," said the Dame, "All of us angels wear Farrah slacks."
"My mum says that angels are the nicest creatures in the Universe," I had continued, "and that they live on the moon. Someday, I want to go up to the moon AND ENSLAVE EVERY SINGLE FORM OF SENTIENT LIFE UPON ITS SURFACE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
The angel conversation had pretty much ended there.
"My lad," Lord Buckweaticus announced, "you appear to posses the legendary power of Crankiness! You have great potential for changing the Universe as We Know It. I will teach you how to wield such power! You must be responsible with it, lest you use it for Evil, manipulating your way to the top, flattening the weak along the way."
"IME MADE OV CHEEEEEZZZ!," Emperor Wonderful clarified, "ENT I A COOOOOOL FUN CHARAKTR FOR DA KIDEEEEEZ?????"
"Ah," I said, as this prospect of using my… "crankiness" intrigued me. And then a tiny voice sounded in my head. Insidious, but I couldn't ignore it.
"Listen to Buckweaticus," said that voice, "and do the opposite."
Lord Buckweaticus taught me much. But I always found a way to use his teachings to subvert people. He gave up on me after a month, returning to his own homeland and raising a family, along with raising his city to greatness. Meanwhile, I was being the very personification of underhandedness, and I…]
The storm hits.
For a full fifteen minutes, Conqueror's entire world is excruciating pain. The kind of pain one experiences when you are unwittingly becoming the new home for a vile demonic entity.
And when the storm is over, Conqueror is feeling strangely fine.
Superficially, he is unharmed. This is beyond astonishing, as his pretty castle has now transformed into a hellish black spire with corpses in its construction and staircases leading to nowhere.
Conqueror is quite undaunted by the fact his new home is now violating the building codes of most major cities, not to mention the laws of physics.
But then again, this is no longer entirely Conqueror we're dealing with.>
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