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PROLOGUE
"Have you ever witnessed an exorcism before?"
"No."
"Well, now's your chance. Come with me."
Veruca Salt followed Beast through the dark, cold corridors that connected the basements of Crankyland. They walked past many entrances to places that were all too familiar and still rather well kept. However, they did not enter through those. Instead they wallowed through the muck of the paths that took them to the darker, older forums. They passed through much wreckage, through things left over from the flame wars and the troll wars that had never been cleaned up. Corpses started to show up from time to time, including the occasional dead passwordless troll. The more they advanced, the more it seemed like if they were in a catacomb, one where furthermore had been used recently as a containment center for those with a combination of rabies and the ebola virus. Veruca was starting to get the chills, particularly with the sight of gargantous blood stains adorning the walls.
Beast, of course, enjoyed every second of it.
"Blood", he said, "You've gotta love it."
While Veruca recovered from that statement, Beast moved a latch and opened a hidden door, one which led to the unknown forums. The accumulated dust and the lack of fresh air revealed that few had ever been through there, if at all. They walked for two minutes through a corridor, and then Beast pointed to a door and stopped.
"Here." As he slowly opened the unmarked door, he said to a nervous Veruca: "Now please relax and don't contribute to the vomit." Veruca nodded, holding her breath.
And thus, they entered. The first thing Beruca noted was Bibliographer, strapped to a table. Blood and vomit were spilled all over the floor and the walls. A headless corpse completed the decor.
"Cardinal Biggles, or whatever the fuck he was called", Beast filled in. "He turned out to be a fake and a troll after all."
Bibliographer was shouting in a gruff voice speaking in a strange tongue. Bickle and Gnosticdogma were standing around him.
"See! He's speaking in strange tongues! He's speaking in... LAWYER MUMBO JUMBO!" Bickle said euphorically.
Gnosticdogma nodded. "Then we have the authorization of Pope Wulfgar to carry on the exorcism."
"What's going on here?" Veruca asked.
"We finally figured it out: Bibliographer is NOT Richard B. Bernstein; he is POSSESSED by the ghost of Richard B. Bernstein!", exclaimed Bickle.
Gnosticdogma took out the sacred text of Crankyland, the Crankonomicon, and quoted an appropriate text: "Costume movies are about a bunch of sissies discussing about tea, enjoyed only by old people who's only other enjoyment in life is tracking their bowel movements. In case you didn't get it, they suck!"
"BLAAAAAAARGGGGHHH!" cried out Bibliographer. "Period movies rule! Period movies rule! You are just too much of an incompetent fuckwit to understand them!"
"Now I believe you" Veruca said. "What have you done to him so far?"
"We've been trying to drive him out by telling lawyer jokes, quotes by Jesse Helms, playing Gorgasm (that's why we called Beast), and playing full episodes of 'That 70s Show'", explained Bickle.
"Yeah, that's when I left. 'That 70s Show' is enough torture for ME!" said Beast with a wince.
"So what now?" asked Veruca.
"Okay, everybody put their earplugs on, that this can be nauseating for just about anyone. We're going to read passages from grundle", said a concerned Gnosticdogma.
Bibliographer growled, and then put on a face of fear. The table started to tremble.
"Shoot, pass those quickly", said Beast.
As soon as all four had their earplugs in place, Gnosticdogma started to read some long notes scribbled on toilet paper. "People on welfare are lazy bums", he read, "and I should not have to pay 70% of my income to support them. T-"
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!" screamed Bibliographer.
"They should all get off their lazy assess and get real jobs, instead of getting pregnant all the time to support their drinking habits! And they..."
Bibliographer rose halfway, straining the ropes, and started punch himself in the head. "FUCKWIT! FUCKWIT! FUCKWIT!" he eerily said with a grated voice. A mysterious force, as if a strong wind, started to blow the toilet paper roll out of Gnosticdogma's hands. However, he caught on and started to read another passage.
"THE INCOME TAX IS THE MOTHER OF ALL EVILS!", he shouted at Bibliographer.
Immediately after saying that, Bibliographer threw up approximately 5 gallons of green bile at Gnosticdogma.
"I can feel his pain", Beast commented.
Gnosticdogma proceeded to throw up as well. "Man, this is too much for me as well. I can't read this! We'll have to try something else" he said, wiping the vomit off his mouth.
Veruca had an idea. "Hey Richard!" she shouted. "Historically inaccurate movies are okay, and people don't really learn their history from them!"
Bibliographer growled. The temperature in the room started to drop. "Nah, this is getting boring", said Beast. "Oooo, vomit, growling, shrieking... that's what a baby does! How scary! Hey Veruca, Parca just lent me his copy of 'Event Horizon'. Let's go watch that instead".
"EVENT HORIZON? EVENT HORIZON IS THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! IT SUCKS! IT SUCKS! IT SUCKS!" growled Bibliographer.
"Oh really?" Beast smiled. " 'Have you ever seen fire at zero gravity? It's beautiful. It's like liquid, slides over everything. It comes up in waves.'"
"NOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT!"
Veruca pitched in. " 'Hell is only a word. The reality is much, much worse.'"
"Urgh! Mmmk! Acg! Rrrr! BlAAAAAAAAA!" Bibliographer grumbled and roared, moving around uncomfortably.
" 'Liberate tuteme ex inferis.'" Beast shouted.
Bibliographer kept shaking around violently, like a wounded animal.
" 'Liberate tuteme ex inferis'!" Beast shouted again, this time joined halfway by Bickle.
The others caught on. "LIBERATE TUTEME EX INFERIS! LIBERATE TUTEME EX INFERIS! LIBERATE TUTEME EX INFERIS!" they all shouted.
"LIBERA-" They were cut shot by what sounded like an explosion, while Bibliographer filled up like a giant ball, and then deflated as he let out black smoke through his mouth with a roar.
Bickle picked up the symbol of Crankyland, the purple face, and waved in front of Bibliographer's face. "LAWYER BE GONE!", he shouted with all his might.
Suddenly a hole opened up in the floor, and the smoke started to go down through it, with tremendous force and at high speed. The room was shaking as if hit by a powerful earthquake. The walls started to crack. Without warning, it all stopped. The hole was closed. The smoke no longer filled the room. Everything stopped trembling.
Bibliographer threw up blood.
"COOL!" said a childlike Beast.
"Uhhh.... Mommy?" Bibliographer said.
"We did it! We cast the lawyer away!" shouted a joyous Gnosticdogma.
They all celebrated and hugged each other. Bickle took out a champagne bottle, and was about to pop it open, when he was struck by a thought.
"Yeah, but where did he go now? And what will happen next?"
The room was silent. They looked at each other puzzled, nodded, picked up their stuff and took off. Enough nightmares for one day.
After all, there are plenty of nightmares in store for them, very, very soon...
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