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EPISODE ONE: The Phantom Lawyer Menace
CHAPTER ONE: The Offer a Lawyer Could Not Refuse
Richard B. Bernstein sat alone, surrounded by walls of TV sets, all tuned in to wrestling shows or really bad sitcoms. He had a few books lying around the floor, but they were all trashy romance novels and generic comic books, not to mention a "Family Circus" anthology. There were a few books around there that he found interesting: several law encyclopedias from different eras and countries, some literary classics, biographies on lawyers he admired... Unfortunately for him, these were all stuck to the ceiling, and the ceiling was 55 meters above the ground. There were no doors, and the TV sets were all stuck together, with no space between them. Occasionally a couple of the channels would change... to broadcasts of Pat Robertson. Sometimes they liked to toy with Richard, and the TV set would change to fake live broadcasts of the presidential elections, where the winner would be Jerry Fallwell, Jesse Helms, or, worse of all (for RBB), grundle. They would all give LONG acceptance speeches.
Naturally, Richard was pissed. He was in some sort of torture limbo. It wasn't Hell exactly, because none of the religions got the afterlife right. Unfortunately, Richard did not now what the heck was going on either. And that terrified him the most, because for once he had to admit that he did not now everything. The though of it made him want to die. Except, one problem: he was already dead. At first he had merely become a ghost, like most former Crankylanders, when they pass on. However, he got greedy and decided to possess someone, because, dammit, you cannot allow so much incompetence to be said in Crankyland, and you just HAVE to do something about it. There's only so much that grundle can say without having the dead roll over in their graves and eventually get tired of so much rolling over and wanting a way to stop all that damn rolling (hey, who said that corpses had it easy? Have you ever slept in a coffin? They create tremendous back pains, and worse if you sleep in them for eternity). But, alas, he was discovered, and those that he thought were his allies (or, well, something along the lines, faaar down along the lines) had betrayed him and cast him out. So, where do ghosts go when they're kicked out of bodies, instead of leaving voluntarily? Good question. I don't know either. But I do know that if those ghosts happened to be lawyers, they would wind up in the torture chamber that Richard was in.
Being the fanatic of lists, and not having much else to do, Richard started to list all the Crankylanders, or at least those that still seemed to hang around Crankyland that he could recall (including some mistakes). "Badtz Maru, Beast, Bickle, Bulworth, the Casino mafia, CreepFreakLoser, D_Magic, Discord, Drew Atreides, Eamon J. Doyle, Emerald, Fierce Molly, the Fuckwit, Gnostic Dogma, Godmother, Hairhead, Homeboy, Junk Yard Dog, Masked Loser, mendo, Mr. Wonderful, grundle the fuckwit, liquid sunshine, Mystery Man, Parca Mortem, pRoDiGy, Pvt. Gump, Sailor Uranus/Two Women "Escaping" in a Phone Booth, Scorcese Fan, Simon, skilly, soc, speaker4dead, technomage, tralala, Veruca, Violet, Wulgar, X-Closet Homosexual, xyz, Zorro, Mr. Cranky and Hans. Damn, this could be a number one hit if I get someone to repeat the list and calling it "Mambo # 6" or some crap like that." Thus proving once again that pop music is mostly inspired by beings from hell or some place similar to it. Or lawyers.
However, most of his thought did not go to pop music, but to torturing those he mentioned (although he could have killed two birds with a stone and just tortured everyone by actually creating that song and getting it played on the radio 24-7). And this did not go unnoticed. Actually, three beings were following him and his thoughts closely, very closely. Not that he knew about them, though. That is, until the day they appeared before him.
For no reason, one of the channels switched to porno. Very gay porno, as a matter of fact. Upon seeing the screen with the gay porno on, Richard's first reaction, of course, as would happen to any other former Crankylander, was: "Hey, isn't that X-MAN?" As he started to observe the screen in odd curiosity and disgust (much like anyone who sees anything by X-MAN feels), suddenly one of the penises started to grow out of the screen, bulging through it, as if the screen were made out of latex and the penis was trying to break free while it grew and grew. Richard's shock incremented, which he expressed in the following manner: "I am not really a homophobe, but, fuck, this is so totally gay and I am out of here." Not that he could actually run to anywhere. Furthermore, all the other screens were playing reruns of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire", so there wasn't much else to watch. To make things odder, three large, black tadpole-like things shoot out of the penis and into the room. They never touched ground, and instead flew around. The giant cock retracted immediately. The three beings flew around in several circles at high speed, as annoying as flies (or X-MAN).
Then, without warning, the three just stopped in front of Richard, and hovered above the ground. They had large yellow pupil-less eyes, rough skin, large sharp teeth, and a wicked smile.
"Hi Richard", one of them greeted. "How did you like having your mind fucked with for a little while?"
"Who are you? And are you aware that it is illegal to fuck with a lawyer's mind? According to 18th century politician and theorist Nathaniel Hardingsworth, and supported by the 1975 case of Exthor vs Some Guy Named Dave, a lawyer has the undeniable right to-"
"Cut the crap, Richard", interrupted another of the beings, in his slightly low pitched, nasal, grating voice that they all seemed to have. "We are the tAiztgyutu, free spirits of havoc and revenge."
"And the NRA!" added another.
"What do you want from me?", RBB asked.
"To help you help us help you get revenge!" said one of them.
"My god, what has 'Jerry Maguire' done to the English language!" muttered Richard.
"A hole was created, a rift between Earth and the Eternal Punishment. Grundle just retracted one of his statements and apologized! He altered the structure of the world! That means that one of us can cross over", one of them explained.
"However, the hole is in Crankyland, and only in Crankyland. That means that only one who once dwelled in Crankyland can go there."
"That means YOU, Richard! And we will allow you to return, and have your revenge!"
"And we'll give you powers!"
"Powers!", repeated a surprised Richard, much in awe.
"Powers, for massive destruction and mayhem!", they told him in excited unison.
"Cool", said Richard, before smacking himself in the head and realizing that he had watched too much bad television, which was lowering his culture. "Sure, sure, get me out of here! And let me teach those bastards a lesson!"
"Yes, we will." It turned to the others, and then turned back quite quickly and came into near contact with Richard's face. "Have you ever seen 'Freddy's Dead'? Just like him, we will give you powers so as to kill by altering reality."
"I haven't seen that film. I usually do not watch horror films", Richard replied.
"WHAT?! You don't watch horror?! Well, now you WILL!" Two sharp tentacles sprang out of its body and incrusted themselves into Richard head through his temporal bones. "NOW you will watch over 1000 horror films!"
Richard screamed in agony and his eyes went blank while his body shaked, floating above the ground, with the tentacles still in his brain. In a few mere seconds he was watching hundreds of horror flicks at the same time, from "The Toolbox Murders" and "Friday the 13th Part V", to Italian and German horror, to Hong Kong and Japanese horror, through all the Hammer and Val Newton films, anything Roger Corman has been involved in, and 'adult' horror like the original "The Haunting" and "The Sixth Sense". A horror fan's wet dream, but for Richard more like a bloody nightmare, an incredible headache.
Then, it stopped. The tentacles were removed, Richard was dropped. He grabbed his head and lay on the floor, still in pain.
"Now, Richard: you are a writer. We will give you the ability to rewrite! Screw around with the Crankylanders identities, what they have read, what they have made, and torture them with that until they die! And now you have over a thousand horror films to draw inspiration from. What you've seen in a horror film, you can incorporate into reality, in order to kill."
"Got it?" they said in unision.
"Yes", he said feebly.
A fire went inside his eyes. More consciously, he said again "yes".
"Yes", in a stronger tone.
"Yes", now with a wicked smile.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted, laughing maniacly.
"Great, but keep your orgasms quiet, okay?" one of them sneered.
With that, they left. Richard had a million ideas. His head was still messed up. Yet among the flood of thoughts he had one that he could see very clearly. He knew who he was going to target first.
grundle...
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