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CHAPTER 2: The Bloodbath Begins - Because it is a Small Small World After All!
"Hey ma, why is it that posters that no longer hang around here like CFL always make it to every fanfic, and sometimes guys everyone hated, like LUKE, yet we're never in the fanfics?" said Hazel-Rah, in an all-too-cute voice, with globby puppy eyes straight out of a Disney animated puke-fest.
"Yeah, Ma, why?", said the also cute geodesy.
"Hey, listen, fuckers, for the last time, I'm NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!" Mr. Cranky hated it when posters started to see him as a father figure, and he hated it more when they saw him as a mother figure.
Hazel-Rah and geodesy started to cry.
"Oh, so now you are CRYING, huh? Well - I know what will cheer you up!" Cranky smiled liked a Grinch. He pulled out a tape. "'Chairman of the Board'!"
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!" screamed Hazel and geodesy, and they ran off.
"Fuck it, I hate it whenever posters come bitching to ME about some damn POSTER's fanfic. What the FUCK do I have to do with it!? And worse, why do they always act like little kids when they come in here?"
"Maybe its because you gass them with that substance that you stole from the people at Mousketeers", Hans offered. "You know, you should be careful to not spray too much of that stuff or they will become the next Brittney Spears, Cristina Aguilera, or a boy band."
"YOU IDIOT! THAT'S THE IDEA! I WANT to make the Cranky-boy-band, the "Rather than Watch this Film I'd Prefer be Rammed in the Backdoor Boys"! How the fuck ELSE do you expect me to pay for this site? With revenue from AMAZON? Like if they ever paid anything! Look, I'm resorting to IGN ads, I'm desperate!"
"Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't hammer nails through their feet. I mean, particularly when they're acting like cute kids."
"Hey, the only thing more fun than insulting stupid little kids and people acting like stupid little kids (like Adam Sandler) is to actually torture them. Now, bitch, shut up, clean my towels for the massage, and clean up the blood!"
"Yes...s-s-sir", Hans said, about to cry himself.
"Awwwwwwwww, I broke your feelings again? Fuck it, have fun, go delete another interesting forum."
Hans eyes lit up like fireworks on July 4th. "YES!" he said.
"Oh, and make sure you don't do another commercial for Mentos!"
Before Hans could reply, his throat dissappeared. He tried to grab his throat, but his right hand dissappeared. Vanished. No blood, just these odd gaps where a part of his body used to be. Hans observed in horror as his left shoulder was next, then his ass, his feet... His whole body was slowly going into thin air. He went on observing in horror - that is, until his eyes dissappeared as well...
"Did you hear that, bitch? Huh? Hans?" Cranky waited for a reply. Only silence came back. "Hey, bitch: reply!"
More silence.
The lights went off.
"Hey, what the fuck is going on here? Are you trying to turn me on again, Hans? Listen, for the eleventh time this week, it takes more than what you've got to stimulate my giant, purple dick. In fact, I'm whipping out my purple one eyed monster right now so that you can worship it and get the fuck away!"
Of course, as in the cliches that Cranky hates, whipping out his cock was Cranky's biggest mistake of all his life (although "Phantom Menace" fans disagree), and, his last mistake. A lightning quick rain of nails came flying at him out of nowhere.
"What the-" That sentece was cut off by screams of agony, as the nails all landed in Cranky's penis, nailing it to the chair Cranky was sitting in.
"Sta- Sta- Stallone... is that you? Listen, I-I was jok-ing the 156 times I ca-alledyou a fucking midget..."
"Wrong guess, mother fucker", said a voice that came from a figure behind the shadows.
"Who-"
"To kill the sheep, it is best to kill first the sheppard", the man behind the shadows said.
"Uh?"
However, Cranky realized what he was talking about when the figure lept through the air, landed on his legs, and produced one big, blood-drenched, maximum duty, Grade-A power drill. He understood even better when the drill was applied to the object that was between his legs, covered in nails. You read that right...
Was...
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