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You wanna know why?
Because you can't tell when you're being trolled by three people. That's right. Three people.
In case you weenies haven't been able to look up from your MAGIC: THE GATHERING game to notice, this week's forums have few posts by X-MAN, and a lot more by liquid- sunshine. Isn't it obvious? I decided to switch handles for now, seeing if any of you noticed the obvious change.
Well, you haven't.
That's Pathetic.
And speaking of Pathetic, where is he? That's right, in case you haven't noticed, Pathetic Owl hasn't been posting since... oh, about a month ago. But up until then, he didn't post since summer of last year. Well, apparently, ol' Pathetic Owl got sick and tired of the fact that inane posters like Wulfgar, Drew Atreties, TheGodmother, et al, were getting more attention. Hell, Mr Wonderful is more interesting than those posters! So he slapped together a few handles. You've probably met some of them. Scorpion was just a prototype for them all, utilized by some other acquaintance of Crankyland. During Scorpion's first rampage, X-MAN started lurking around. Few people noticed this, which was all part of the plan.
(Fun fact: X-MAN was originally named as a homage to "xyz." We're still kicking around ideas for the "real" reason "X- MAN" chose his handle.)
X-MAN was to be a male chauvinistic pig ultra-conservative, in order to balance out the liberalness that Crankyland was headed towards as a result of Richard B. Bernstein's influence. But X-MAN seemed to be getting out of hand with his feminist-bashing, and had to create a handle to balance it out--Jennifer690.
In case you dolts haven't noticed, the whole idea behind these trolls is BALANCE. Good vs. evil. Republican vs. Democrat vs. Green Party vs. Libertarian. That sorta thing. Ever seen Star Trek: The Next Generation (which, conicidentially, is kimo, Conqueror, and Pathetic Owl's favorite show)? The part about time and anti-time? Get the picture? Good.
And speaking of balance, there had to be some other annoying trolls who would insult other Crankylanders on a regular basis. Ever noticed how Ben_Dover and Jerk-in-the- Box are so similar? That's no coincidence. It's mainly due to the fact that Mr. Cranky used to yank handles for making threats. Now that the definition of "threat" is laxed a bit, both handles now exist.
Of course, liquid-sunshine was made with the idea of Ben_Dover and Jerk-in-the-Box in mind, however, the forums were starting to sway to the conservative right, so liquid- sunshine had to be "lightened" a bit, making the persona smarter than Ben or Jerk by making him a liberal. But the idea is still there, and continues to influence other trolls (For instance, "liquid's" hatred for Crankylander fanfic is spilled a bit into X-MAN. The ignorance is still basically the same for both.).
Also, Owl recruited a college student for another task. This college student started in 1998 under the moniker Mr_Empirical. It started off with some Beast-bashing, but when that was rather passe, "Mr_Empirical" decided to add another handle called "kimo." You remember KIMO, don't you? He sounded just like Conqueror, didn't he? Screaming rather racist epithets to a higher extreme and ranting his head off.
Pretty soon, Empirical thought kimo had enough and replaced him with "Bill_Bradley." You remember when Mr_Empirical and Bill_Bradley joint-posted in the South Park movie forum, don't you?
Oh, that's right. You don't. You're engaged in inane, self- indulgant posts.
Well, anyway, no one noticed the coincidence between kimo's disappearance and Bill_Bradley's appearance. Heck, probably one or two people noticed that the two posted similar posts! Meanwhile, Empirical decided to post under the name Bill_Bradley full-time, and retire the Empirical handle for good....unless he needed to use it again.
And of course, because Bill Bradley lost the primaries, Bill_Bradley changed his name to Conqueror, who I'm SURE you all are familiar with.
The third troll? Well in case you haven't noticed, Mr_Wonderful and Simon_the_Great have been getting... uh... how shall we say it... "less bright?" with every post they make. Originally, he was going to use the aliases LUKE and Vada_Sultenfuss, but someone registered them Vada, and LUKE got deleted by Cranky. But that's his problem, not mine.
We created these trolls to keep the balance of Crankyland in check.
Think about it.
Bickle, for instance, is more left-wing than you'd think. Wulfgar already showed he was a liberal. And don't get me started on Richard B. Bernstein.
But look, the way it seemed, Crankyland was getting forced to the left. It almost seemed like every single person there would be a liberal, and would snap at any person who proclaimed to be conservative.
Think of it this way: Imagine that this whole forum was filled with one-sided, stubborn posters who liked Pistachio Nut ice cream, the original Star Wars trilogy, and puppies, but ABSOLUTELY LOATHED Chocolate Chip ice cream, EPISODE 1, and kittens.
What if newbies who liked Chocolate Chip ice cream, EPISODE 1, and/or kittens come in and are attacked by all the posters?
Or an example from Crankyland: The now-gone TWEP proclaimed that Adam Sandler is evil, and that all his fans are braindead morons. Badtz Maru pointed out that he enjoyed Adam Sandler, and TWEP responded by saying that she knew Badtz was braindead.
THAT is why we had to create characters like X-MAN and Mr. Wonderful. Look, we OURSELVES don't believe in most of the opinions they expouse. We have to do a lot of work in order to keep these acts up--we gotta read every Rush Limbaugh book possible for X-MAN's posts, we gotta read every teenybopper article for writing for Mr. Wonderful and related characters, we gotta hold our lunch in when we write for glutes, and we gotta swipe drugs from mendo in order to make Conqueror's posts possible!
But we do all this hard work trolling in order to maintain a balance, so that rational people whose opinions are not neccesarily the norm of a forum can post.
We, of course, will be denying everything that we wrote here with our posting handles (you'll know which ones). But this is to let you know all that.
Thank you and good day. Have a happy holiday.
Sincerely,
the various trolls of Crankyland.
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