Wild America

Bomb Rating: 

Sure enough, the director turns out to be William Dear, the man responsible for such tragedies as "Timerider," "Harry and the Hendersons" and "Angels in the Outfield."

All I could think about while watching "Wild America," the supposed real-life childhood adventures of wildlife filmmakers Marty (Scott Bairstow), Mark (Devon Sawa) and Marshall Stouffer (Jonathan Taylor Thomas), was that it at least must be exciting for whatever clueless old guy is directing it.

Sure enough, the director turns out to be William Dear, the man responsible for such tragedies as "Timerider," "Harry and the Hendersons" and "Angels in the Outfield." Here, he follows the all too common Hollywood approach to films for kids: "Since kids can't comprehend real-life adventure, let's make everything look really fake."

Instead of telling a simple story and letting the natural suspense of each situation (like being chased by an alligator) run its course, Dear adds all kinds of implausible crap. During the alligator scene it isn't enough that Marshall is in a swamp with an alligator -- he has to accidentally throw his flashlight in the creature's mouth to boot. After Marshall almost drowns, the kids run into Danny Glover, who disappears like some kind of ghost. In their search for a bear cave they meet a woman who's had half her face gnawed off. In the bear cave, just before they're about to be eaten, they sing the bears to sleep, though you can barely hear them over the groans from the youthful audience.

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Bear hunting too wimpy for Ohio man

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

They sure grow 'em tough in the Buckeye state.  This guy decided that shooting a bear would be too easy.  So he decided to hunt gators in Flori-duh.  Without a gun.  

For all of you who lust after making your very own alligator handbag rejoice!  Gator hunting season is now open in the sunshine state! 

From the Miami Herald newspaper online:

CORNWELL, Fla. -- Roger McCulloch skipped a grizzly bear hunt in Alaska to drive 18 hours from his Ohio home to central Florida with one mission in mind: shoot an alligator with bow-and-arrow. It was his fourth visit in four years to hunt the reptiles with Okeechobee guide captain Bobby Stafford.

 

``I love gator hunting,'' said McCulloch, who owns a construction business. ``It's just the rush of it. I've hunted everything -- caribou, bear, elk. Gators are tough critters.''

 

Though gators as small as 18 inches can be legally bagged, few hunters would consider it worth the effort. Most aim for something closer to the Florida record of 14 feet, 5/8 inches, taken in 1997 at Lake Monroe in Seminole County.

Read more: http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/08/17/1780696/floridas-gator-hunting-season.html#ixzz0wxaDTqSI

Read more: http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/08/17/1780696/floridas-gator-hunting-season.html#ixzz0wxYHIoog

 

{;-) Dan (gator bait) in Miami

 

 

18 hours from Ohio to Florida? It's only a thousand miles.

RidingFool's picture

What a fuckin' pussy.

What the hell was he doing, the speed limit? Riding a bus? Stopping at every rest area to piss because of an enlarged prostate? Did his old lady force him to pull over at every outlet mall on the way to buy tampons, face cream and shoes?

Hey, there are about 100 Stuckeys on that route

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

You can't get those Pecan Log Rolls in Ohio you know.

 

Mmmmm!  Pecan Log Rolls!

 

http://www.stuckeys.com/search.php

 

{;-) Dan in Miami

Well, all right then, but...

RidingFool's picture

I'd rather ride towards fresh Mayfest limonada myself.

Say, what's with the boxed log rolls? Aren't they fresh?

Be careful of Mayfest hot dogs

Coaster's picture

I just did eleven states and 5000 miles in 13 days.  I got within 150 miles of Canada when I went to Camano Island, WA. 

Go baggers. 

I've been back for three days now and I'm still vibrating a bit. 

That's a good run for an old guy. Heh.

RidingFool's picture

Are you looking for a place to retire?

Yes. But that wasn't the purpose of the trip.

Coaster's picture

Mrs. Coaster wants to move somewhere warm. 

San Diego has been discussed.  I would vote Santa Barbara, but I lack the five million dollars it would take to get a small apartment there.  We pretty much have no idea where we will end up.

We both want to leave Oklahoma and the Deep South in general, and move back to America.   

Three words Coaster

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Beautiful Latino Women

Of course you wouldn't tell your wife the real reason for moving to South Florida.

{;-) Dan in (always sunny) Miami 

Houses for $1.25

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

South Florida is the hardest hit housing market in the USA with the possible exception of Cleveland.   Pretty sure you don't want to move to Cleveland now that LeBron has purchased his $40 million mansion in south Florida.

 

There is no better buyers market for housing in the USA right now than Flori-duh.  Plus most of the rednecks have moved out of Miami.  

 

Seriously Coaster, if you want, I can hook you up with some SFla real estate guys that are honest most of the time.

 

{;-) Dan in Miami 

Thanks, Dan

Coaster's picture

It will, however, be a while before we actually move. 

South Florida would be so cool as I still have all of my old Sonny Crockett outfits.

Beware of all the cue tips and bluehairs.

RidingFool's picture

Oh, wait. You said you wanted somewhere to retire. That means that you'll be part of the bluehairs and cue tips.

Sorry.

I'm headed to Cheyenne for a weekend meetup.

RidingFool's picture

Given your propensity for 5,000 mile rides, it should only take you a day for a mere 800.

Sombitch! I was just there days ago

Coaster's picture

I went from Ogden to Cheyenne and then turned south for Denver, Wichita, and home. 

My longest ride this time out was 666 miles.  I've never done an Iron Butt ride.  You're still the champ, man. 

Enjoy.  And stay away from them fair hot dogs. 

Hollywood rangers start celebrity kill-off

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

 HOLLYWOOD, CA—

Calling current population levels "wildly unsustainable," rangers from the Federal Bureau of Celebrity Conservation announced this week their plan to eliminate some 1,200 celebrities from the Hollywood region.

 

While FBCC sources said the number of indigenous celebrities in the region has been increasing steadily since the 1950s, rangers said the past decade in particular has seen an alarming spike in the population due to the rampant spawning of celebrities via the Internet and reality television, leaving the agency no recourse but targeted exterminations.

 

"The way things have been, even an A-lister can wait 45 minutes for a table," said Tracey Spillane, manager of Spago Beverly Hills. "And from the table chatter we overhear, there just aren't enough projects in the pipeline for the glut of celebrities that exist right now. Believe me, this is a much more compassionate approach than leaving Anson Williams to root in the Dumpster for scraps."

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hollywood-rangers-to-manage-overpopulation-problem,17920/

 

{;-) Dan in (celebrity crazy) South Beach

 

Who would have known

RidingFool's picture

that there are a mere 1,200 celebs in Hollyweird?

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