The World is Not Enough

Bomb Rating: 

Can anybody even recall a Bond villain from, like, the last ten movies? I certainly can't. For that matter, does anybody recall the names of any of the Bond women? What the hell has happened to the Pussy Galores of the Bond universe? Or the villains who could actually do some damage?

There was a day when James Bond was all about evil villains, cool gadgets, and women with sexist names. Now it seems to be mostly about witty repartee between Bond and whatever female rocket scientist happens to be pouting in front of him ("Would you like to check my figures, Mr. Bond?" "Oh, I'm sure they're well-rounded." or "If we don't get out of here, somebody is going to have my ass." "First things first." "I always wanted Christmas in Turkey.")

Oh, how marvelously droll. Christmas refers to Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richard), who's undoubtedly got the largest breasts of any nuclear physicist in history. Talk about a woman pointing the way to the future. Christmas helps Bond track down the whereabouts of Renard (Robert Carlyle), who's supposed to be the mean guy because he's got a bullet in his head and he's lost all feeling in his body and has superhuman strength. All I could figure was that this bullet allowed him to whine longer than anybody in the world.

The guy doesn't do anything the least bit menacing. Okay, so he's going to blow up Istanbul, but that's only menacing if you live in Istanbul, which I don't. Where's the fear, man? Did I think for a second this weasely little guy was going to kick Bond's ass? No. And he's got a soft spot for Elektra (Sophie Marceau). Talk about a fallible wussy. Get me a guy who's grafted a chainsaw onto his arm or has a penis that doubles as a rocket launcher!

As we all know, Bond is only as good as the guy who's about to kill him, and these days, 007 is just slightly better than a cub scout having a temper tantrum. Let's put some testicles back on these politically-correct screenwriters and make some real James Bond movies.

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