X-Men

Bomb Rating: 

As one person next to me noted, "Why is Captain Picard in a wheelchair?" That one question sums up the whole movie.

I have never read an X-Men comic book -- ever! That's because I'm not one of these losers who sits around pretending to be literate by reading dialogue bubbles. If somebody asks you what the last book you read was and you answer with the title of some graphic novel, you should repeatedly slam your head into the nearest wall until whatever you have that passes for brains oozes from your skull like some jello mold that hasn't been boiled long enough.

This movie is in colossal trouble right from the opening -- it starts in Poland in 1944 in a Jewish prison camp. Didn't director Bryan Singer just do "Apt Pupil?" Is everything related to the Holocaust? I really, honestly, truly, have a complete understanding of all the ramifications of the Holocaust and a deep, abiding sympathy for anybody who suffered from it, even in a tangential way. However, I am so sick and tired of having amateur historians and pretentious pseudo-intellectuals trying to shove the meaning of the Holocaust down my throat that I'm supporting an initiative in the California legislature which would relocate all filmmakers who've referenced the Holocaust in a movie over the last five years to a trailer in Topeka.

The movie is primarily about Wolverine's (Hugh Jackman) personal problems as he helps Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and the other X-Men prevent Magneto (Ian McKellen) from turning everybody into New York into mutants. If this sounds completely screwed up, it is. First of all, everybody who lives in New York is already a mutant. I don't see how a little genetic scrambling is going to affect anything. And as one person next to me noted, "Why is Captain Picard in a wheelchair?" That one question sums up the whole movie.

And let's just go over the incredible powers of these so-called superheroes:

  • Professor Xavier - Can keep students awake while lecturing about macroeconomics.
  • Wolverine - Has ability to make sideburns grow to abnormal lengths.
  • Magneto - Amazing magnetic powers able to push Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid back together.
  • Dr. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) - Blank stare induces same in victims.
  • Cyclops (James Marsden) - Sees everything in two dimensions.
  • Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) - Can put the fear of God into any dentist.
  • Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) - Can somehow rationalize marrying John Stamos as a "good career move."
  • Toad (Ray Park) - Amazingly long tongue can satisfy any woman. Except for Courtney Love.
  • Rogue (Anna Paquin) - Her touch renders her victims blind and dumbfounded for two hours as "The Piano" is played in their visual cortex.
  • Storm (Halle Berry) - Can leave the scene of any accident undetected.

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